Crash landing

Last post 10-22-2008, 7:03 PM by coolkid115. 8 replies.
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  •  10-20-2008, 6:29 PM 391330

    Crash landing

    Heres chapter one and two!

    please give input!

    Chapter One: Boarding Action

                  The frigate Nopea did a sharp turn trying to dodge a plasma torpedo. An explosion ripped through the lower decks of the Nopea, atmosphere vented out into the vacuum. The Nopea was burning from the impact of the torpedo. The lower decks were quickly sealed off and the oxygen was shut off in the area. The Covenant quickly deployed boarding pods to take the Nopea. The pods impacted into the side of the frigate.

               An alarm rang through out the ship as the boarding party entered. Plasma fire ripped through helpless crew. Screams of terror echoed through out the halls. One unlucky human was crushed by a closing door, his blood stained the walls. This wasn’t a battle it was a massacre. The massacre was only beginning when the Nopea zoomed past the moon of an unknown planet.

               The frigate was beginning to be pulled into the gravity well of the planet. Metal started to stress as the frigate fought to stay out of the planet’s gravity. After being bombarded the frigate finally gave way to the force of the gravity. The Nopea plowed through the atmosphere, life pods shot out of the sides of the Nopea. Most of them were destroyed by the force of the atmosphere, but some survived.

               One damaged life pod hurdled toward an icy mountain. Debris from the Nopea destroyed a lot of the life pods. Out of all the life pods only one survived. It deployed its landing thrusters and crashed into the ground. The marines poured out just in time to see the frigate fly over a mountain and crash into ground. The explosion shook the ground of what seemed like the entire planet. Every thing turned white, than black.

    Chapter Two: Base camp

               Every thing was a blur when Zarek came too. He blinked his eyes a couple times and it became clear again. He wished he was still unconscious. He was about a hundred feet away from the life pod in some bushes. A Covenant drop ship was unloading some elites and grunts about twenty feet from the life pod. Zarek cursed under his breathe as he struggled to get on his knees.

                 Zarek was looking at them search the life pod when something touched his shoulder. He quickly turned around to see another marine putting his finger over his mouth. The marine signaled him to follow. The drop pod had begun to lift off when Zarek got out of the bushes. The elites didn’t notice either marine go up the hill over looking the crashed life pod.

               The marines both were tired when they reached the camp. They had walked three miles to reach it. Luckily there were no Covenant patrols along the way. Zarek was happy to be at camp with his fellow marines. They had told him that all the communication equipment were scattered around the crash site of the Nopea. The mission would begin is two days so Zarek would have to be in tip-top shape before than. The next day Zarek was up at 0600 hours doing some exercises. He was about to be done when he heard a loud explosion. One of the tents erupted into flames. The Covenant were here!

     


    Humans are on the road to distruction. Not by aliens, but by the very things they hold dearly, Earth....
  •  10-20-2008, 6:39 PM 391345 in reply to 391330

    Re: Crash landing

    pretty good... however, in paragraph 3 it says some life pods survived, and right after that in paragraph 4 it says only one survived. changing that would make it better. other than that it was good.
  •  10-20-2008, 6:45 PM 391353 in reply to 391345

    Re: Crash landing

    Super Shizzang!:
    pretty good... however, in paragraph 3 it says some life pods survived, and right after that in paragraph 4 it says only one survived. changing that would make it better. other than that it was good.

    Good story, get it up

    ^^ What I think he meant was that some of the pods survived from being destroyed by the atmosphere, but as they landed only one made it.(i think)


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  •  10-20-2008, 6:46 PM 391354 in reply to 391330

    Re: Crash landing

    shoulda given the frigate a name because it became kind of repetitive with you saying frigate.
    When I die i want to be laid in my coffin face down so anyone that didn't like me can kiss my ass.
  •  10-21-2008, 2:54 PM 391795 in reply to 391354

    Re: Crash landing

    Ok thanks for that guys i changed what you asked to be changed. I'm working on chapter one so hang in there (Dont expect this to be a short read) ;)
    Humans are on the road to distruction. Not by aliens, but by the very things they hold dearly, Earth....
  •  10-21-2008, 3:23 PM 391836 in reply to 391795

    Re: Crash landing

    Chapter one and two up!
    Humans are on the road to distruction. Not by aliens, but by the very things they hold dearly, Earth....
  •  10-22-2008, 6:05 PM 392413 in reply to 391836

    Re: Crash landing

    Wow no reply?
    Humans are on the road to distruction. Not by aliens, but by the very things they hold dearly, Earth....
  •  10-22-2008, 6:10 PM 392414 in reply to 391330

    Re: Crash landing

    AI-2142 Deceptive:

                  The frigate Nopea did a sharp turn trying to dodge a plasma torpedo. An explosion ripped through the lower decks of the Nopea, atmosphere vented out into the vacuum. The Nopea was burning from the impact of the torpedo. The lower decks were quickly sealed off and the oxygen was shut off in the area. The Covenant quickly deployed boarding pods to take the Nopea. The pods impacted into the side of the frigate.

    Ok, basic mistake, (I see it all the time)

    Stop repeating the name, use pronouns, like the ship or the frigate.

    Not too bad, kinda want to read more XD

     

    PS: I commented on yours, comment on mine XD 

    http://www.halowars.com/forums/thread/392016.aspx


    You get hit with a heavy object.
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    -5 STM
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    You are dead.
  •  10-22-2008, 7:03 PM 392481 in reply to 392414

    Re: Crash landing

    ok tommaorw i will
    Humans are on the road to distruction. Not by aliens, but by the very things they hold dearly, Earth....
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