CHAPTER ONE...THE CRASH

 

 405th Orbital Drop Shock Trooper Company (Recorded logs of Major Jack B Sebastian, CO)

 

Major Jack Sebastian looked out the Pelican's backside. He, along with eight other drop ships had been traveling for about twenty minutes. He turned his attention to the cockpit and asked the pilot,

"So, Where to Lieutenant?"

"Africa, Sir." The lieutenant replied. Sebastian raised his eyebrows.

"Africa? God, I've been stationed in Asia so long, I almost learned Chineese, but Africa?" He thought of all those freakin' covies sneaking their way to Earth. But why Africa? There were very few major cities there.

"Voi sir, not covenant... flood." The pilot said sounding dissapointed.

"Jesus. ONI didn't have the guts to send in a freakin' Army of us!"

 "Fine, but if I live they owe me big time!" He continued. He looked towards Squad 4/C. He pulled out his last cigarret and lit it. Nice to have a last smoke before you die is what his father always told him.

"This is Echo five, repeat Echo five, we have reached the L-" There was a loud "boom" that cut off the pilot. Apperently a SAM launcher controlled by a flood had hit their Pelican. Sebastain woke up and looked around. Two guys were dead plus both pilots, and one was wounded critically and probably wasn't going to make it. That meant he had about eight men left. He got up and grabbed his battle rifle.

"Report!" He shouted needing to hear an answer.

"Four gone, one almost to the light sir!" Sergeant Chang replied.

"They hit us real hard Jack." O'Brien added in.

"I can tell." Sebastian said. Just then a bundle of plasma and machine gun fire few in their direction.

"Holy-" He loaded his rifle, and fired back. He noticed a wounded ODST about 6 feet from their position plus some extra marines, one was a medic. The ODST had the insignia of a Lieutenant. He motioned his squad forward.

"Listen up, we got a wounded man up there. We need to pull him outta that mess and get him to safety, got it?" He should have added in try to stay alive in there, but he didn't have time when it came to saving your own guys. He even said "Leave no man behind." His team nodded.

 "Good, let's move!"

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Click me!
LFF!!

First things first. I'm going to be honest with you. This is, so far, a pretty average story. However, it has a lot of potential, I can see that. I'll stick by this and help you achieve that potential.

A few things I need to point out:

1. I rarely say this, but it needs to be said here: You need longer chapters. There are four sizes; too large, large, medium, small, and too small. You're currently sitting on too small. Just expand events more. "Apparently a SAM launcher controlled by a flood had hit their Pelican. Sebastain woke up and looked around." < An example of this. Hit, wake up. What you should have done was: hit, effect, knocked out, wake up. Expand on these things, but not too much. Don't drown your reader in details, but don't leave them standing in a drop of it either.

2. Every time someone speaks, it should be a new line. Instead of:
"Report!" He shouted needing to hear an answer. "Four gone, one almost to the light sir!" Sergeant Chang replied.
It should be:
"Report!" He shouted needing to hear an answer.
"Four gone, one almost to the light sir!" Sergeant Chang replied.

3. Another thing with speech. If you have a bit of speech with 'he said' afterwards, end the speech with a comma, not a full stop.
Instead of:
"I can tell." Sebastian said.
Have:
"I can tell," Sebastian said.

4. Spelling. Use a spell checker. I do not mean that harshly. There were some simple spelling errors that could have easily been avoided with a basic spell checker. I saw at least two different spellings of the main character's name. How do we relate to the main character if we're not sure how the author wants us to spell his name?

5. Numbers. Unless it's a designation such as "MA5B" or "Echo 5", etc, a number should be spelt out. "Eight other drop ships", not "8 other drop ships".

With every chapter you post from now on, I'll point out any spelling or grammatical errors that you have made. Hopefully there won't be any.

Do not take anything I've said too harshly. They are simply tips on how you can take this story from average to good, or even great. Feel free to PM me with any questions you have. I'd be glad to help.

Good work. Just follow my tips, and you should be able to do even better.

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Officialy offline as of April 4 Australian time.

Listen to Cazador hes a great fan fict writer. As much as this may sound cruel i honoustly think its written terribly, it has good potencial and seems like it has a good story but the actions and speach were quite poor. (sorry for my bad grammar)

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"Jump Feet First Into Hell!"

I appreciate that, Eagle Eye. Now, take your advice and listen to me:

NEVER tell an author that his work was terrible. You want him to get better, you help him out constructively, not by frakking telling him his work is terrible.

Sorry about that outburst. But seriously, if you want to help him, you tell him how to improve. Don't just point out the problem.

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Officialy offline as of April 4 Australian time.

I know dude im sorry, but theres so many *** fanficts. just tired of seeing the same stuff about ODSTs. i like how this is going to be about the flood tho. try showing some friends before posting. what i do. i won a writing award at my school for my fanfict.

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"Jump Feet First Into Hell!"

I understand that, but never put down an author. Encouragement, my friend, encouragement.

I agree with his advice on posting after showing friends. But only show friends who know how to write a good story, that way you get quality feedback.

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Officialy offline as of April 4 Australian time.

Im just wondering is there a fanfict about ODSTs fighting flood? ive been watching ont his site for months Silently. but this sounds like a pretty sweet idea of sending troops to help out in Voi, was this before africa was glassed? the song "blow me away" breaking benjamin always reminded me of ODSTs combating the flood. So i think with a lot of work(sorry) this could be a great story. Goodluck

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"Jump Feet First Into Hell!"

There was Jeteye's work. That's the only dedicated Human vs Flood story I remember. A few stories have Flood worked in, but not totally devoted to it.

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Officialy offline as of April 4 Australian time.

hey guys, this is based on a way longer story i wrote, i was too tired to stay up anyway,

and odsts were the best i could do.

 

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Click me!
LFF!!

Ya blow me away would be a good combat song for this situation, chapter two will be alot longer

don't worry!!!

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Click me!
LFF!!

CHAPTER TWO...TRAPPED!

405th Orbital Drop Shock Trooper Company (recorded logs of Major Jack B Sebastian, CO) 0457 hrs. Somewhere in Voi, Africa...

 "Chang, you O'Brien, Pendleton, and McCoy stay here and provide covering fire for me, Thompson, and Turner, and McManus, clear that Pelican." Sebastian Ordered.

"Yessir!" his team shouted. He told them to take position.

"Turner, you take point!" Sebastain whispered

"Roger." Turner replied. They moved through the gunfire, and Sebastian updated the waypoints on his HUD. Suddenly he heard a scream, human scream... McCoy had gotten hit by an infection form, his limbs dismembered, and his veins poked through his fragile skin. Chang and everyone else over there opened fire on their former ally. The once McCoy whipped Corporal McManus back about twenty feet. Then McCoy fell dead.

"Change of plans, stick together, check your suits for holes..."Sebastain said over the COM. He knew the only way McCoy got infected was if he had a hole in his suit.

"All clear, sir!" Team two shouted. Sebastain waved team two up to his team's position. They came.

"Alright, anybody got a good open channel radio here?" He asked. O'Brien gave him a thumbs up.

"Let me that." Sebastain said. O'Brien took it off his back, and handed it to him.

"Charlie four to Charlie seven, what is your status, over!" Jack shouted into the mic. There was an unclear reply, but sebastain understood most of what the person was saying.

"This is Cha- seven, we were hit by a- I say again we are pinned down 6 miles northwe- your position, over!" He recognized the voice as Lieutenant Warner's voice. Good that meant there were more survivors from his company, possibly even the wounded ODST lieutenant was fom his unit.

"I hear ya, we're on our way, just got a few chores to take care of, Shiela..." Sebastian answered.

"I'll hold here, and thanks." She said back.

"No problemo Ma'am." He moved forwards taking point. He was about a fourth of a mile to waypoint Bravo. Nearly three minutes later, he was practically two feet away from his objective.

"Thompson, Chang, O'Brien, go get that fireteam and bring 'em over here!" He demanded.

"Sir!" Sergeant Chang replied. They moved up to take the others out of there when artillery opened fire on them, it was all a setup, that ugly beyond all ugly gravemind knew they'd go for any soilder, so he planned not to kill them just kill them when Sebastian got there.

"Get outta there, NOW!" He Yelled. Too late he fell for the trap, and now he needed to pay the price. Then all of a sudden he completely blacked out.

 

 

 

 

 

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Click me!
LFF!!

Can I read your award winning fanfic???

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Click me!
LFF!!

looks like it could turn into a good FF.

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"Intiating directive 7395: DESTROY ALL COMMUNNISTS!"
"Communsim is the very definition of failure!"
"Better dead then Red!"
"Liberty Prime online. Weapons are hot. Objective: To liberate Alaska and destory any and all red chinese communists!"

thanks for the positive! whened u change yer sig??

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Click me!
LFF!!

si aimgo, good story.

but still needs to be a lil longer, i know you can write better than tis charlie ive seen your stories. Right now yous is small a little above lil smal

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United we stand, Divided we fall...-Cpt.Minime