(ff)the rise of the rebellion

Last post 09-21-2008, 3:12 PM by colonel ackerson. 42 replies.
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  •  09-20-2008, 9:54 AM 357968

    (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    my frist story so here goes. set the scene: a battle feild after halo 3 takes place. the human have already gotten earth and reach and a few other colonies back. they met there old enemies the elites. but they join an alliance not to far from that of the covenant. but like all alinces there are rebels. the rebels have formed in the three main parts of the alliance races. grunts, elites, and humans. they are trying to demolish the rebels without the help of each other. other races in the alliance are horagok, and hunters.

    chapter 1:

    "it's turning--" sergeat Abrom never finished that sentence as the scorpian main battle tank fired its gun the following shock wave ripping him into peices.

    "dammit thats another man down.how many do we have to lose to the rebels" asked assistant weapons officer Zilo. "we need to get out of here and now"

    "ya i hate to admit it but we lost this fight." the detachment officer said. "we will pull back and call for evac, and call an airstirke on the rebel base. tell them we couldnt get the colonel." as they ran the scorpian tried to gun them down not risking useing and more of its shells untill a sudden whoosh flew by Zilo's head missing him by inches but getting a direct hit on the driver seat of the scorpian, instantly killed the man inside. "try to radio alpha base for evac" yelled the detachment officer.

    " already did, they are under attack, and they cant get anybody in the air right now." said the radio man

    "what about flashbang?" the detachment officer knew it was a slim chance that the destroyer was still in one peice after haveing to face 2 frigates, but maybe the newly put in sheilds of the drestroyer would hold up, even if they were a fraction as strong as the elites and grunt's ones.

    "we got contacts to the north" zilo said trying to stay out of veiw.

    "how many?' insisted the detachment officer.

    "10 to 15, comeing slowly i dont think they see us yet"

    "we can't take them all, fall back."

    after running for a good while they stopped and settled down for a quick rest. "sir, i got a hold of flashbang they are sending a pelican down to help. but unfortunatley i heard beta base got overrunned and they had to send a mac round into it. things are not going any better on alpha bases end either." said radio man

    "did zodiac team make it?" asked Zilo

    "yes we did, but we lost a few on our end" sergeant Nathan call sign 'zinc' said.

    "zinc shut up and go look for any contacts" said the leader of zodiac team."so anything i need to know about?"

    "beta base is gone and alpha base is going to join it soon, but we got a hold of flash bang and they are sending a pelican down." said detachment officer.

    "so we lost this place to the rebels," this was a statement not a question, but this time it was zodiacs team medic that did the talking."but what about sangheli reinforcments?"

    "the sangheli got a rebelion of their own to handle," said zodiac team leader.

    "what about unggoy, they got their rebelion under control a little bit." said the medic. although dureing the covie/human war the unggoy were weak it wasnt the case now. the unggoy have a government, and arent afraid to die anymore. though there ships are filled with mehane causeing one hit from a plasma line to blow the whole thing up they got powerfull sheilds to get by. there plasma lines are protected and taken care of by horagok.

    "well lets think about reinforcements later here is our ride." said Zilo, as a small speck statred to get bigger but it was to late for them to fix there mistake as a rebellion pelican came into frieing range of its guns and started pounding the ground near them killing all of them. all exept nathan who was out hideing in the forest following orders to whatch for enemies and started to here the gun going off. he went to go investigate to see what happened and found a rebel pelican its gun starting to turn, but before it could fire the pilot seat blasted into flames as the UNSC pelican started pounding it with missle rounds and gun fire. finaly with the pelican out of the way the UNSC dropped into the forest to collect and survivors. but all that got on was nathen. the hatch shut and the pelican started its steep clime to excape the gravity of the planet to get back to flashbang.

    END OF CHAPTER 1

    i hope you guys like it. i already got the second capter done. grade me from 1-10. 1 being the best score. i am only going to put the next chapter on if you guys like it.



  •  09-20-2008, 10:04 AM 357971 in reply to 357968

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    it was OK going on to good, but there were a few spelling mistakes. I'd rate it a 4


    "I smoke a fat pound of grass, and fall on my ass faster than a fat *** who sat down to fast"

    If you don't like R!zZle BiZzl£ then you can shnizzle my nizzle
  •  09-20-2008, 10:06 AM 357972 in reply to 357971

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    no first try is perfect. and if there are spelling mistakes find them and tell me so i can fix them.

  •  09-20-2008, 10:11 AM 357974 in reply to 357972

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    It's a pretty cool concept - I say post Chapter 2 - why not?  Everyone has to start from somewhere.

    Thanks Ukurse!

    Check Out My FF "Insertion Point"
    Go Navy! America is still the greatest place on Earth, and it always will be!

  •  09-20-2008, 10:11 AM 357976 in reply to 357968

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    colonel ackerson:

     

    chapter 1:

    "it's turning--" sergeat abrom never finished that sentence as the scorpian main battle tank fired its gun the following shock wave ripping him into peices.

    "dammit thats another man down.how many do we have to lose to the rebels" asked assistant weapons officer zilo. "we need to get out of here and now"

    "ya i hate to admit it but we lost this fight." the detachment officer said. "we will pull back and call for evac, and airstirke on the rebel base. tell them we couldnt get the colonel." as they ran the scorpian tried to gun them down not risking useing and more of its shells untill a sundden whoosh flew by zilo's head missing him by inches but getting a direct hit on the dirvier seat of the scorpian, instantly killed the man inside. "try to radio alpha base for evac" yelled the detachment officer.

    " already did they are under attack they cant get anybody in the air right now." said the radio man

    "what about flashbang?" the detachment officer knew it was slim chance that the destroyer was still in one peice after haveing to face 2 frigates, but maybe the newly putn in sheilds of the drestroyer would hold up, even if they were a fraction as strong as the elites and grunt ones.

    "we got contacts to the north" zilo said trying to stay ouyt of veiw.

    "how many?' insisted the detachment officer.

    "10 to 15, comeing slowly i dont thionk they see us yet"

    "we cant take them fall back."

    after running for a good while they stopped and settled down for a quick rest. "sir, i got a hold of flashbang they are sending a pelican down to help. but unfortunatley i heard beta base got overrunned and they had to send a mac round into it. things are not going any better on alpha bases end either." said radio man

    "did zodiac team make it?" asked zilo

    "yes we did, but we lost a few on our end" sergeant nathan call sign 'zinc' said.

    "zinc shut up and go look for any contacts" said the leader of zodiac team."so anything i need to know about?"

    "beta base is gone and alpha base is going to join it soon, but we got a hold of flash bang and they are sending a pelican down." said detachment officer.

    "so we lost this place to the rebels," thjis was a statement not a question, but this time it was zodiacs team medic that did the talking."but what about sangheli reinforcents?"

    "the sangheli got a rebllion of their own to handle," said zodiac team leader.

    "what about unggoy, they got their rebellion under control a little bit." said the medic. although dureing the covie/human war the unggoy were weak it wasnt the case now. the unggoy have a government, and arent afraid to die anymore. though there ships are filled with mehane causeing one hit from a plasma line to blow the whole thing up they got powerfull sheilds to get by. there plasma lines are protected and taken care of by horagok.

    "well lets think about reinforcements later here is our ride." said zilo, as a small speck statred to get bigger but it was to late for them to fix there mistake as a rebellion pelican came into frieing range of its guns and started pounding the ground near them killing all of them. all exept nathan who was out hideing in the forest following orders to whatch for enemies and started to here the gun going off. he went to go investigate to see what happened and found a rebel pelican its gun starting to turn, but before it could fire the pilot seat blasted into flames as the UNSC pelican started pounding it with missle rounds and gun fire. finaly with the pelican out of the way the UNSC dropped into the forest to collect and survivors. but all that got on was nathen. the hatch shut and the pelican started its steep clime to excape the gravity of the planet to get back to flashbang.



    "I smoke a fat pound of grass, and fall on my ass faster than a fat *** who sat down to fast"

    If you don't like R!zZle BiZzl£ then you can shnizzle my nizzle
  •  09-20-2008, 10:19 AM 357977 in reply to 357976

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    be nice to tell me how to spell some of the things and ho is zilo wrong? and abrom?

  •  09-20-2008, 10:20 AM 357978 in reply to 357976

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    I took the time to underline the mistakes for ya, but other than that its good so keep it up.


    "I smoke a fat pound of grass, and fall on my ass faster than a fat *** who sat down to fast"

    If you don't like R!zZle BiZzl£ then you can shnizzle my nizzle
  •  09-20-2008, 10:22 AM 357980 in reply to 357978

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    The names not wrong its just they are supposed to be in capitals because they're names like Zilo


    "I smoke a fat pound of grass, and fall on my ass faster than a fat *** who sat down to fast"

    If you don't like R!zZle BiZzl£ then you can shnizzle my nizzle
  •  09-20-2008, 10:25 AM 357982 in reply to 357980

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    seriously does it matter though. sure they are names but you can still see they are names. i want spelling errors not captilization errors unless some of you see it really important. but i went through and fixed a little more of the spelling. third time i had to edit it.

  •  09-20-2008, 10:27 AM 357984 in reply to 357982

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    you got to wait till tomorrow for chapter 2, im getting off. but im trying to make the story good by writeing it down on a peice of paper first. though spelling doesnt help when it wrong on the paper to.

  •  09-20-2008, 10:40 AM 357986 in reply to 357968

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    colonel ackerson:

    my frist story so here goes. set the scene: a battle feild after halo 3 takes place. the human have already gotten earth and reach and a few other colonies back. they met there old enemies the elites. but they join an alliance not to far from that of the covenant. but like all alinces there are rebels. the rebels have formed in the three main parts of the alliance races. grunts, elites, and humans. they are trying to demolish the rebels without the help of each other. other races in the alliance are horagok, and hunters.

    chapter 1:

    "It's turning--" Sergeant abrom never finished that sentence as the scorpian main battle tank fired its gun. The following shock wave ripped him into peices.

    "****thats another man down. How many do we have to lose to the rebels?" Asked assistant weapons officer zilo. "We need to get out of here and now."

    "yeah, I hate to admit it but we've lost this fight." The detachment officer said. "We will pull back and call for evac, and an airstrike on the rebel base. Tell them we couldnt get the colonel." As they ran the scorpian tried to gun them down, not risking using and more of its shells; untill a sudden whoosh flew by zilo's head missing him by inches but getting a direct hit on the driver seat of the scorpian, instantly killing the man inside. "Try to radio Alpha base for evac!" Yelled the detachment officer.

    "Already did; they are under attack, they cant get anybody in the air right now." Said the radio man.

    "What about flashbang?" The detachment officer knew it was a slim chance that the destroyer was still in one peice after having to face 2 frigates, but maybe the newly put in sheilds of the destroyer would hold up, even if they were a fraction as strong as the elites and grunt's ones.

    "We got contacts to the north." Zilo said, trying to stay out of view.

    "How many?" Insisted the detachment officer.

    "10 to 15, coming slowly, i dont think they see us yet."

    "We cant take them fall back."

    After running for a good while they stopped and settled down for a quick rest. "sir, i got a hold of flashbang. They are sending a pelican down to help. But unfortunately I heard Beta base got overrun and they had to send a MAC round into it. Things are not going any better on Alpha bases end either." Said radio man

    "Did Zodiac team make it?" asked Zilo.

    "Yes we did, but we lost a few on our end." Sergeant Nathan call sign 'Zinc' said.

    "Zinc shut up and go look for any contacts." Said the leader of Zodiac team."So anything i need to know about?"

    "Beta base is gone and Alpha base is going to join it soon, but we got a hold of flashbang and they are sending a pelican down." Said the detachment officer.

    "So we lost this place to the rebels." This was a statement not a question, but this time it was Zodiacs team medic that did the talking."But what about Sangheili reinforcements?"

    "The Sangheli got a rebellion of their own to handle." said the Zodiac team leader.

    "What about Unggoy? They got their rebellion under control a little bit." Said the medic. Although during the covenant/human war the Unggoy were weak, it wasnt the case now. The Unggoy have a government, and are'nt afraid to die anymore. Though their ships are filled with methane causing one hit from a plasma line to blow the whole thing up. They got powerfull sheilds to get by. Their plasma lines are protected and taken care of by Huragok.

    "Well let's think about reinforcements later, here is our ride." Said Zilo, as a small speck started to get bigger, but it was too late for them to fix their mistake as a rebellion pelican came into firing range of its targets and started pounding the ground near them, killing all of them. All except Nathan, who was out hiding in the forest following orders to watch for enemies, and started to hear the gun going off. He went to go investigate to see what happened and found a rebel pelican. Its gun started to turn, but before it could fire the pilot seat blasted into flames as the UNSC pelican started pounding it with missle rounds and gun fire. finally with the pelican out of the way, the UNSC dropped into the forest to collect the survivors. But the only person that got on was Nathan. The hatch shut and the pelican started its steep clime to excape the gravity of the planet to get back to flashbang.

    END OF CHAPTER 1

    i hope you guys like it. i already got the second capter done. grade me from 1-10. 1 being the best score. i am only going to put the next chapter on if you guys like it.

     

    i fixed it all.

    your problem isnt in spelling but in punctuation. the lack of full stops, commas and capital letters was horrible. remember, names always begin with a capital letter.

    overall your grade from me is a 7


    SPQR! An ambitious historical project, coming soon. Check the Library for early version test writes. Recommended for anyone with a love of history.
  •  09-20-2008, 12:08 PM 358081 in reply to 357986

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    now it wasnt that bad was it? comeon i at least thought i earned a 5. well since all three of you didnt really like it i guess i wont write my second chapter. i was looking for 4 people to give me at least 1-4 to keep writeing, and 7-10 to stop where i ended. but really i didnt do to bad for stopping i thought my problem was punctuation like you said but i didn do to bad on that. captilizeing was where it was bad. thats my thought.

  •  09-20-2008, 12:11 PM 358087 in reply to 358081

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    I rate this a 5 out of 10

    Bad hook
    Few mistakes
    Mildly interesting


    "The pain of war cannot exceed the woe of aftermath"-Led Zeppelin

  •  09-20-2008, 12:13 PM 358089 in reply to 358081

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    colonel ackerson its good so don't give up and, about offensive bias i think he meant 7 in a good way like the best score is 10


    "I smoke a fat pound of grass, and fall on my ass faster than a fat *** who sat down to fast"

    If you don't like R!zZle BiZzl£ then you can shnizzle my nizzle
  •  09-20-2008, 12:40 PM 358102 in reply to 358089

    Re: (ff)the rise of the rebellion

    the higher the number, the higher your score

    this to seems good to me but what you have to remember is the grammar after people speak. i will give an example:

    "Fire at those Grunts," he yelled < notice the , just before the he yelled

    The sarge yelled "fire at those Grunts." < . at the end

    and if its a question you just use a ? or if they are shouting or talking urgently a !

    i like using symbols :-)


    Im back! Now with 72% more unseriousness!
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