The Library

Re: Private Lewis Review, Review #2: Silent Knight Monthly Assessment

Offensive Bias — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 22:22:51 GMT

well i told you i would read it mr bacon. it is very good. thats all im saying

Re: Private Lewis Review, Review #2: Silent Knight Monthly Assessment

Spartan15 — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:57:39 GMT

Plot 8/10: You did a great job with the betraying father. Excellent choice

Characters 8/10: Again the betraying father and the other characters were a good choice. Next time just describe them a little more

Setting 8/10: The setting out of your story was excellent Mr Bacon. I think you will become a great fanfic writer.

Spelling: 9/10: This was probably one of the best highlights of your fanfic. Spelling is great and well presented

Grammar 7/10: There were a few grammar problems in there where you forgot quotation marks for when some of the characters were speaking. Punctuation seems to be good though

Hook 7/10: Again the hook in your story could use a little bit of work but like Chuckles said it was a little confusing at the start

Description 7/10: Descriptions of Characters need to be improved in the next fanfic. I would like to see you give us a bit of background on the characters next time.

Originality: 18/20: Good story, characters and knowing what you want

Overall my star rating 4

**** Great work Mr Bacon.

Private Lewis Review, Review #2: Silent Knight Monthly Assessment

Chuckles — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 03:08:43 GMT

Recommended

Plot 8/10: Silent Knights, a betraying father, Civil war after Covenant War….very original, nice.

Characters 7/10: You did pretty well with characters, they lacked emotion at times and so they were marked down, but at least emotion was there for the most-part.

Setting 6/10: I found a few settings like snow, artillery, etc. But they weren’t put in very deeply, just remember: the reader does care about environment and time.

Spelling 8/10: I was impressed deeply by spelling, it wasn’t perfect, but it had few enough errors to not be a problem.

Grammar 5/10: The main problem in your grammar was with quotation and punctuation, you would make new quotation marks for the same person talking, but in a different sentence. You don’t need it for every sentence, just for every time a new person talks.

Hook 4/10: There really wasn’t a strong hook in this story…well, at least, not for me. I wasn’t interested at the first and it took a few more chapters to get me into the story…which shouldn’t happen, I know it’s too late to change that, but just keep it in mind.

Descriptions 6/10: There were few descriptions, and they didn’t go into detail very well, just try to describe the armor, weapons, emotions, and appearances.

Originality 17/20: Original story, characters, the likes, you know what I mean.

Canon 5/5: Not much can be said. It followed canon. Lol

Entertainment: 3/5 It kept me fairly entertained throughout the story.

Total: 70/100

Star Rating: 3 ½

Personal Summary:

Private Lewis is a fan-fic that is turning out pretty well, I’m impressed. It left me wanting more (a few chapters in). I can tell it is obviously not done, and the coming chapters could improve a lot over their predecessors, but there isn’t much to say.

You’re grammar could use some work, quotation marks and punctuation is the main thing that needs improvement, that was the main thing distracting me from the actual story.

Like I stated before the characters also lacked emotion at times, remember, human not robot, they have emotions and a big way they express them: dialogue.

Overall, this was a well written story…I’m looking forward to how this will turn out. I wish you the best of luck!

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Dustin — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:14:23 GMT

nice work! keep it up!

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Sparhawk — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:32:23 GMT

Mr. Bacon:
The second one however returned fire in a huge spay of bullets, which shattered the break lights of the hog narrowly missing my legs.

Ø ‘Spay’ is supposed to be ‘spray’.

Ø ‘Break’ is supposed to be ‘brake’.

Superb terminology, use of grammar and spelling excluding those two faults I discovered.

It was a tad petite and the paragraphs could have skipped the diet and begun on the big mac, but the descriptive scenes made up for this lack of quantity.

Some sentences could have been drawn out more and things like the weather (wind, rain, hail, cold, heat, slick mud,) could have been more prominent throughout this chapter.

What is most prevalent however is your characters, they're more unique then as of before and you have taken down their pretense and enlightened us (audience) to their true personalities and shortcomings.

Dramatically this chapter has evolved, having no impediments to my reading through this chapter (some exceptions) was pure bliss, the end was a bit abrupt however, a good mix and formula of both quantity and quality is paramount, keep that in kind.

Lewis is more emulative to my expectations everyday and his friend Frankie is no different, once the finish came I cackled in amusement as their warthog ran out of fuel. Brilliant comical humour, not too much nor too little.

You could have had Mary more involved in the chapter, try to give all the characters a place and good amount of script, so you should have done such with Mary instead of giving her the two liner. Either way both her two liners were enjoyable.

Should have had a larger chapter.

This chapter is 8/10.

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Baconsen — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 01:51:33 GMT

high tall:
i like the part the last part.

thanks

are the descriptions good?

i tried to improve them this chap

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

high tall — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 01:47:21 GMT

i like the part the last part.

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Arby: Soldato for the Corleone's — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 02:06:12 GMT

shite to complicated for me

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Baconsen — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 02:03:02 GMT

Arby: Soldato for the Corleone's:
sry if this is spamish but how do u do that triple qute maggiger

you do

[*quote user="insert name here"]the text they're saying[/quote*]

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Arby: Soldato for the Corleone's — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 02:01:05 GMT

sry if this is spamish but how do u do that triple qute maggiger

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Captain Cazador- Soldato — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 00:01:55 GMT

Mr. Bacon:
I know but "a trio" sounds way cooler then "a single"

That it does.

Mr. Bacon:
oh well maybe next chap

Indeed. There's a good chance of that happening.

Mr. Bacon:
will do

Good.

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Baconsen — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 23:46:10 GMT

Captain Cazador- Soldato:
Good chapter, Bacon. I'd just like to point out that a single 50mm (5cm) bullet would completely decapitate the driver and keep going. Let alone three... :)

I know but "a trio" sounds way cooler then "a single"

Captain Cazador- Soldato:
Only one error that I saw:
"It flipped in the air and landed in pile of burning slag." It should be "a pile of burning slag."
Sorry. I only saw it while I was typing up some random stuff about an error free chapter.

oh well maybe next chap

Captain Cazador- Soldato:
Good work, Bacon. Keep it up.

will do

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Captain Cazador- Soldato — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 23:37:30 GMT

Good chapter, Bacon. I'd just like to point out that a single 50mm (5cm) bullet would completely decapitate the driver and keep going. Let alone three... :)

Only one error that I saw:

"It flipped in the air and landed in pile of burning slag." It should be "a pile of burning slag."

Sorry. I only saw it while I was typing up some random stuff about an error free chapter.

Good work, Bacon. Keep it up.

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Baconsen — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 23:17:48 GMT

umm....hmm... i wonder if people still remember mine....

Well anyways Chapter 13 is up

Re: Private Lewis (FF)

Baconsen — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 13:34:57 GMT

wow two good reviews

i'll try to take what you have all said and keep that in mind when i'm writing my next chapter