It was an okay read. I fairly enjoyed it, but there were issues which diluted the entertainment I got from it. You started the action way too fast. One moment they are just sitting in a room, and the next they are in a full on battle in the base. Then it dies right back down, and then suddenly jumps right back up. You want to build up the action slowly to intensify its effect. There where also slight grammar issues which caused the story to get confusing at times. Proofreading your work would have caught them and you would have been able to fix them. Another thing is placing your story in quote boxes is kind of annoying. There was no reason to do it and in my opinion should just be removed completely.

          Now you bounced around tenses at times in the story. You want to keep the tense the same throughout the entire story to reduce confusion. If you just bounce around like you were it will give everyone headaches from trying to figure out what tense they are in and then having to switch their reading style to fit that tense. It is just easier on the reader to keep the tense the same.

          Your settings were lacking detail. This detail is what sets the mood of the story and it will make the story more exciting. It will give the story a more natural feel and will increase the enjoyment the reader gains from reading it. But remember that too much detail can drown the reader and just overwhelm him or her. Just give them enough to set the atmosphere and move on.

          Another thing you need to work on is keeping your characters in character. When I was reading what John was saying, it did not remind me of John. This will turn people away because it will not be realistic. Your characters also lacked emotion. They seemed like a mindless drone at times which is never a good thing. Your characters also talked about Blue Team, but we have no idea what it is. You need to introduce it before you start talking about it because again, it will cause confusion.

          Finally your word order gets confusing at times causing me to re-read the story in some places and disrupts the natural flow of the story. You had a good hook in the beginning, but you completely abandoned it at the end of chapter one. Once you have a hook, you want to relate everything in the story to that hook to keep the readers interested. With the hook no longer present, I stopped reading and went on to something else.

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