This is a nice piece of work. It grasped my attention in the first chapter but it was lacking. There was no major plot in this story. The beginning was about a battle which had no purpose at first glace. The hook was good, but it was not enough to hold up an entire story. After chapter one the intensity of the hook died down and I lost all hope of reading more.

          You where way too detailed in the beginning. It was too much and I was engulfed with so much information that I drowned in it. There was no need to describe the entire area. The windmill had nothing to do with the main battle. All we should have heard of was the wall and the beach, nothing else at the point. Also the full name of the weapon is a big turn off during battle scenes. It dilutes the intensity of the battle and brings it all to a sudden halt as you read the letters and numbers. We also did not need to know about the sniper increasing the zoom on his scope. It was irrelevant information.

          Listing your characters in the beginning was also irrelevant. I skipped the entire thing and was better off in the long run. Lists are a huge failure at introducing characters. You need to learn how to introduce them properly and slowly develop the characters throughout your story.

          The attackers had no personality at all. All they did was just sit there and shoot. You should have them show some type of emotion as they see their attack force slowly get killed in front of them. The Brutes should roar and the Grunts should be cowards. Give them some life and make them intensify the battle.

          Your chapters where way off too. The prologue sounded a lot like chapter one and the actual chapter one ended way too soon. It seems like you wrote the entire story non stop and then just randomly divided it up into different chapters. You ended chapter one, and then chapter two just started right up where chapter one left off. There was nothing to indicate something new happened to warrant a new chapter.

          Your choice of words was also a huge issue in the story. The words you choose can make or break a good story. An example of your poor choice was the word “Shotgun” when the marine claimed the Grunts arm to shoot. When I hear shotgun the first thing that runs in my mind his calling the front seat of a car. The next thing that runs through my mind is the actual gun. Along with that error the paragraph became confusing and I just skipped it. The scary thing is that skipping that paragraph did not affect the story at all. The paragraphs should be more interconnected, each one building up the story and making it better.

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