This shows potential and it is quite good. There where some problems with grammar which caused me to re-read a couple of parts of the story. Also it did not contain any actual spelling problems, which is good, but not that hard to do when you use Microsoft Word. One thing that turned me away was the lack of a strong hook. This made me want to stop reading and watch television instead.

          Your second sentence in the first paragraph contained a word order problem. If you just read that sentence you should feel something is not quite right. Proof read this slowly and then make changes to it. If you get the slightest hint that it does not seem right, other people will too. You do not want your readers having to re-read parts of your story to understand it. They should be able to get lost in the narrative and just read through the story naturally.

          You also had one major issue with your paragraphs. A paragraph should contain all the same type of content. If you have three sentences explaining how Sally ate a bug, those three sentences should be one paragraph. You broke your paragraphs up by sentences which causes confusion. Look over your story and if you see a group of sentences which deal with the same subject matter, make them all one paragraph. Dialog on the other hand you should not do this. Keep that separated to reduce confusion on who is talking.

          Talking about confusion; how many people here are true Halo Fanatics who know everything about Halo Lore? I am not one of those people, and I am sure others are not as well. You used the actual species names for the covenant races. It would be like referring to humans as Homo sapiens. The covenant refer to the Elites as Elites, Brutes as Brutes, and so on. I spent the majority of my time on Google trying to figure out what you where talking about instead of reading it. Keep things simple so all of your readers know what you are talking about. This makes your story easier to read for everyone.

          Every story needs a good hook to grab the readers and glue them to the words. You want your readers to forget what they where doing and let the pizza burn in the oven because they are so entangled in your narrative. Without this hook people will find other things to do and it will start to feel like work reading your story instead of entertainment. Your hook was an okay one. It was about the Prophet getting his revenge on the Elites. However in Chapter One, you seemed to abandon that hook all together and start the Elites getting their revenge on the Prophet. That really pushed me away from reading this anymore.

          In conclusion, make it simpler and use names we are accustomed to. This will make everyone happy and reduce a lot of confusion. You also want to think of a good hook before you start writing, and then relate everything you are writing about to that hook. You should proof read slowly to catch small errors like word order and misplaced commas. This will also make your story a better read. Yes everyone is human but at least make a determined attempt at avoiding these errors.

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