This is an okay piece of fiction. It is not great, but it is not bad either. There are many areas which can use improvement. One thing is the fact that the text is very small. Small text on a screen gives people headaches. You want your reader to be comfortable while they read. There are also sparse spelling errors, and a few grammatical ones. One thing that bothered me though, was that it reminded me too much of the announcement trailer for Halo Wars. It felt like you ripped it off in a way but you are also expanding on it so in a way it is fine.

          Aside from being similar to the trailer, it has no plot. The only thing that is going on is rescue teams turning up missing due to the covenant. There is no main thing for someone to overcome. If searching for teams is your plot, it does not make for a good read. What does the main character have to achieve in the story? That is what you want to think about when you write your plot.

          Speaking of a main character? Who is it? All you seem to have is people running around in the snow looking for teams. You never even introduced a character in both chapters. Characters should be introduced before they are used in a story. This gives the reader a little more insight as to who they are and their personality. Try to give each of the main characters a defining attribute which helps the reader get to know him or her better. People you do not know running through snow is not a good set of characters.

          All you have is snow. There is no sense of a setting in your story. All you have is a blizzard and even that is dull. Give the reader a little more detail as to where they are. This will set the mood and atmosphere of the story. It seems like you are trying to go for a horror story here, but without a good setting and atmosphere you will not accomplish this.

          Another thing you should work on is your style of writing and the tone you use in the narrative. There is no emotion to the story. You want your readers to get caught up in the narrative, to get a full sense to what is going on. With that emotion the readers can understand things they might not have without it. Your style is actually quite hard to understand as well. You bunch up the dialog and do not give the readers a reference as to who is talking. It is very easy to get lost and lose track as to who is talking. You want your readers to be able to realize right away who is taking and how they feel when they say it.

          Overall you need to be more descriptive. But remember that too much detail is not a good thing. You do not want to drown your readers, just let them swim. You need to introduce your characters better and give them qualities to make them more human. You want your reader to be able to picture everything they read in their head. Giving characters these qualities will really help. You should add emotion to your narrative to help achieve this effect as well. It is still early in the story so you should be able to fix everything and get on track. Good luck.

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