I admit it, I enjoyed this fan fiction. There are slight issues with it which are explained below but for the most part it was good. Few things that bugged me where in the first chapter. It reminded me about the beginning of Halo 3 where Cortana is talking to you. It also felt like Captain Kirk was narrating because of all the comas if they are intentional. The hook however was good and I would have read more, but I just do not have the time.

          Now about that coma problem; there are too many. You have comas where they do not need to be. You replaced periods with comas and forgot to put periods. I used to have the same problem as you; I still do in a way. Proof reading really helps fix this. It might sound right as you are typing it, but after you read it you realize you really do not need a coma in some place. Other than that everything else is good; no major spelling issues and grammar appears to be fine.

          There is some issue with content however. In the second paragraph of the first chapter you over explained something. “Greg asked in his mind to the woman's voice in his head (First Blood – Chapter 1).” It would sound better if you did not refer to his head twice. “Greg asked to the woman in his mind.” This is shorter, cleaner and a little easier to read. Something else you should fix is your last paragraph of chapter one. That is all one long run on sentence with a lot of comas. Split it up and let the readers breathe a bit.

          I do not know if you intentionally added a theme to the fan fiction, but I found two. The first was kind of a generic “being different is not always bad”. The same goes for the second one about not selling yourself short. Both are very standard but they still make for a nice read.

          Speaking of a nice read, Greg is one of the more developed characters I have read about in a Fan Fiction. He has serious emotional issues from losing his family to the covenant. He feels it’s his fault that he got them killed. This makes for a great read and begs the question of whether or not this emotional instability will affect his judgment later on.

          Setting is the key to a great story. You pulled this off quite well, but it could have been a little better. You told us where he was, but you should have added sparse details. “A wave of movement overcame the meadow as the wind caused the grass to move about.” It is those little bits of details which give the reader more atmosphere about where he is in the story. Now there is such a thing as too much detail. You do not want to drown your reader with information, just wet his appetite.

          If all those pauses in the first chapter are intentional then it makes for a slightly dull style. I had to go over a lot of things and figure out which comas where not needed just to be able to read the sentence naturally. Go through and read it once with the coma, and then once without. Then make your decision on whether or not to keep it.

          The tone in the story could use some work. The attitude of the narrative did not always match up to the dialog. If Greg is angry, make sure you display that in the narrative. You want the reader to feel his anger or pain. You want your reader to eventually become one with Greg. Corny, I know.

          When I have the time I may finish this fan fiction, it is a good piece of work. Just take what I have said into account and maybe even attempt to change it. If anything use what I have told you in the future. That is why I wrote this review.

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