Reading this was like experiencing a bad aftertaste. You know what I am talking about, you take that big spoonful of superman ice cream, it starts off all nice and good, and then out of nowhere, your taste buds are attacked by the rage of “the aftertaste”. What I am trying to say is this started off good, but it went downhill fast causing me to stop at the end of the prologue.

          First off, there are grammatical and spelling errors which seem to be an epidemic with fan fictions on these forums. Yes I know no ones perfect, but still proof read and spell check. Get a buddy to read it and make corrections. You want to make sure everything is clear and understandable. You want your readers to enjoy reading it, not struggling to keep track of what is happening.

          I had no idea what was going on. It seemed like he was having flashbacks in flashbacks. None of it made any sense at all. The whole prologue needs to be completely redone. Make sure you introduce the flashback when it occurs. The only thing I can guess happened is you said he was having a flashback, and then talked about it after the Elite grabbed him. At first glance it seems like the Elite is the flashback. It just got to confusing for me to keep trying.

          You also have problems with your tenses. You never switch back and forth between present tense and past tense. Not only is it incorrect, it is confusing. You want to pick one and stick with it the entire story. This keeps your readers set to a style that they are comfortable with. They do not have to continually switch between past and present.

          Introduction of characters is the Holy Grail when it comes to writing a good story. Since when did listing names become a good introduction of characters? You need to introduce them slowly, and then let the reader know something about that character by what they do. You also made a big mistake at the end of the prologue. You listed the names again, and just told everyone about them. There was no sense of discovery, learning who the person was yourself. You just told the readers information that they really didn’t need to know.

          The last thing that does not fit is the Elite sacrificing a human to its God. It makes no sense at all. The Covenant feel humans are scum, worthless, crap. When you sacrifice, you generally sacrifice something pure. Why would the Covenant sacrifice something they think is unclean? It just does not fit.

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