I would have been entertained, plain and simple. This shows potential, but fails to prove it. There where spelling and grammatical errors which cause the story to get confusing at times. This caused the hook to be confusing and diluted its effect. The tense turned me away as well. Switching back and forth between past tense and then present tense is never a good thing. It just gives me a headache. Erase those errors, and you have a decent piece of literature.

          Choice of words hurt the prologue. When did the UNSC marines ever wear muzzles? And why do these muzzles flash? Were they just talking too much, or are they dogs? Is there some extreme sexual tension happening here? Yes I know this is not exactly what he meant, but when I think muzzle, I think binding the mouth to prevent speech.

          Why do the tanks bleed? “As the tanks moved in the blood soaked ground they left little puddles of blood that seemed to follow the tanks as they went by. (Private Lewis – Prologue).” This makes me think the tanks are organic. The grammar and word choice completely mutilated this sentence causing it to confuse me. When you write, never assume the reader knows what you are talking about.

          In chapter two, a sergeant brutally assaults a private because he forgot the word sir. Now yes it is your story and you can do with it what you like, but I think this is out of character. He would not say “Private Lewis who?” He would say, “Private Lewis what?” He would also shout so loud that spit would be flying out of his mouth and into Private Lewis’ eyeballs.

          The sergeant also seems like a dingbat. ““All of you are at the shooting range. You are going to learn how to shoot.” (Private Lewis – Chapter 1).” Why else would they be there? To pick flowers? There is irrelevant information in this sentence which does not need to be there. The only thing you really can do at a shooting range is shoot. I am sure the readers can piece this together, you do not have to for them.

          That scene also had another poor choice of words. What do you think of when you hear the word batons? I think of the twirling sticks that you see the color guard use. Do marines baton twirl at the shooting range in their spare time? If so, it must be a very *** camp.

          If nothing fix your grammar and spelling issues. This will fix your hook and grasp reader’s attention better. Readers like what they can understand, they like what they can read. They don’t have to read your story, there are far better. You need to give them a reason to want read yours. Give them that reason.

 More explanation on my paragraph about the tanks.

    In that sentence, it sounded like the tanks where bleeding. That the blood was coming from the tank. I know the tank isn't organic and all. I was just trying to exaggerate to try and prove my point. That goes with everything else I commented on. I know the marines are not dogs, and I know he wasn't talking about the baton I pictured. I was just suggesting he change these words to prevent that confusion that may occur.

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