This piece of fan fiction was mildly entertaining. The experience however was not. The writer’s style of writing is amateur to say the least, and there is no will to change it. Sheer laziness has effected how people view his fan fiction. People want to be entertained by reading a piece of fiction, instead they are getting confused by the bunched up dialog and switching of personalities. This story is also missing a theme. Stories do not need them, but it does make for a more interesting read. In all fairness however I read up to chapter three, then something shiny caught my attention and all hope was lost.

          There was no hook in this story at all. I searched for one and found none. Without a good hook the readers lose attention, fast, and it starts to become a chore to read the story not entertainment. You want to entertain people with a well rounded story that grasps their attention in the beginning and holds it until the end. Without one, people like me get distracted easy and never finish it.

          The beginning of this story starts with a man named Henry, a marksman who was once asked to kill German Shepherds. Why did we need to know that little bit of information? That just added irrelevant content into the story that the reader did not need to know. It broke the fluidity of the chapter which is never a good thing to do.

          I was also confused as to why Henry was quoting scriptures from the bible. He was either praying for forgiveness which really seems out of character, or he was praying for the souls of the Nazi’s he was killing. Both of which are something a United States solider would not have done. I may be wrong though.

          There was also a point at the end of chapter one where you use the verb “screamed”. You made it sound like the soldier was screaming like a school girl. Yelled would have been a more appropriate verb. You also had the same issue in chapter two. Alarms do not scream, they sound. You made it sound as if the alarm was a school girl too.

          Hitler conquered Germany. I am sure you know that. It would be more historically correct to call them ***, since many Germans where against Nazism at that time. It sounded as if all Germans where for Nazism in your story. I guess my German heritage is what made that stand out more for me.

          There where sparse grammatical and spelling errors. Proof reading, and having someone else proof read would have greatly decreased the occurrences. One thing that really aggravated me was your sentences. You did not add a space after the periods. This is important and is not a waste of space. It makes the reader pause for a short moment at the end of each sentence. If it is all bunched up together it appears to be a run on sentence. This will generally make the readers rush though to get to the end of the paragraph. If you’re too lazy to start doing it now, you might as well stop writing. It is a matter of proper writing, you can not be a writer and make mistakes like that.

 EDIT:
As I was writing this review the writer changed the dialog in the story. Please void the statement that there is no will for him to change. Thank you.
 

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