(FF) The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doisac - Ch.

Last post 11-05-2009, 5:31 AM by Footbutt. 34 replies.
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  •  11-01-2009, 6:09 PM 763016 in reply to 763013

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doriac

    Looool, it's cool. You don't have to change it :)
    SPQR! An ambitious historical project, coming soon. Check the Library for early version test writes. Recommended for anyone with a love of history.
  •  11-01-2009, 6:27 PM 763057 in reply to 763016

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doriac

    Any other tips before I move on? I'll be typing up Chapter 3 and 4 tomorrow most likely.

    Aloysius:
    -Less than half a of percent of players have the General rank on Xbox Live.


    How is the General rank fair again?

    Halo Fanboys. The next most annoying thing next to Jonas Brothers fanboys.
  •  11-01-2009, 6:31 PM 763069 in reply to 763057

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doriac

    Hmm... Keep an eye on your spelling, I know you are German, so it's perfectly fine if you spell things wrong. You do incredibly well anyway, but there are a few spelling errors in every chapter.
    SPQR! An ambitious historical project, coming soon. Check the Library for early version test writes. Recommended for anyone with a love of history.
  •  11-01-2009, 6:49 PM 763132 in reply to 763069

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doriac

    Offensive Bias:Hmm... Keep an eye on your spelling, I know you are German, so it's perfectly fine if you spell things wrong. You do incredibly well anyway, but there are a few spelling errors in every chapter.

    Will do.  I'll run this crap through a spell check or something ^_^


    Aloysius:
    -Less than half a of percent of players have the General rank on Xbox Live.


    How is the General rank fair again?

    Halo Fanboys. The next most annoying thing next to Jonas Brothers fanboys.
  •  11-01-2009, 6:49 PM 763137 in reply to 763132

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doriac

    Cool :)
    SPQR! An ambitious historical project, coming soon. Check the Library for early version test writes. Recommended for anyone with a love of history.
  •  11-01-2009, 6:52 PM 763144 in reply to 762725

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Chapter 1 - Brutish Tendancies

    Interesting story, friend.
    Tank > Banshee
  •  11-01-2009, 7:10 PM 763183 in reply to 763144

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Chapter 1 - Brutish Tendancies

    Amazing story!  I think your really capturing the ferocity and hate of the brutes, cant wait for next chapter.
    The Eayn Tribute: Read about the life of a jackal, who fights back during a rebellion against the covenant, and must struggle to remain alive as the Covenant fight the small group of rebels.

    http://www.halowars.com/forums/thread/804296.aspx

  •  11-01-2009, 7:14 PM 763192 in reply to 763183

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Chapter 1 - Brutish Tendancies

    belac:Amazing story!  I think your really capturing the ferocity and hate of the brutes, cant wait for next chapter.

    Thanks a ton ^_^


    Aloysius:
    -Less than half a of percent of players have the General rank on Xbox Live.


    How is the General rank fair again?

    Halo Fanboys. The next most annoying thing next to Jonas Brothers fanboys.
  •  11-01-2009, 7:17 PM 763200 in reply to 762650

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doisac

    read A Light In The Dark?
    The Eayn Tribute: Read about the life of a jackal, who fights back during a rebellion against the covenant, and must struggle to remain alive as the Covenant fight the small group of rebels.

    http://www.halowars.com/forums/thread/804296.aspx

  •  11-01-2009, 7:24 PM 763221 in reply to 763200

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doisac

    belac:read A Light In The Dark?

    Naw, I know it sounds silly but I like writing--not reading.  I know, it's kind of a weird thing for me.  I generally find novels relatively boring.  There are a few novels I really do like though.

    To Kill a Mockingbird
    The Things they Carried
    All Quiet on the Western Front
    It (This book was the creepiest sh*t on earth.)
    1984

    Mainly because I like the messages in them.  And WHOOOSSSHHH I didnt know that you were talking about your short stories there LOL.  I'll go take a look at it.


    Aloysius:
    -Less than half a of percent of players have the General rank on Xbox Live.


    How is the General rank fair again?

    Halo Fanboys. The next most annoying thing next to Jonas Brothers fanboys.
  •  11-02-2009, 2:50 PM 763900 in reply to 763221

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doisac

                                                             Chapter 3 - The Covenant

    The phantoms swarmed over the sky--seeming to block out the very suns that lit their world.  Landing in all places and in all direction, not a single brutes' eyes were averted from this spectacle.  Slowly starting to gather in one spot, all this species--bloodied and battered--seemed to forget their wars.  They forgot their quite useless hate, this new race--these supposed gods to some--were coming.  A phantom floated over the Glangorns' encampment; Sangheili descending from its mystical blue aura.

    These new creatures--ones unknown to the Jiralhanae--along with other smaller and stranger ones descended from the sky.  Almost at once, without a word, an unspoken alliance ever Jiralhanae on this planet--on Doisac--seemed to unite.  One of the elites raised its weapon and fired off at the brutes in the clan, them quickly reacting with their own devastating weaponry--metal and plasma shearing over the plain.

    It was soon all out war, however it would not last long.  Arterus ran forward at an elite in the melee, easily out-powering it and literally using it to beat another elite to death.  Grunts running up and blowing themselves up in the fray, brute flesh flying in all directions.  Barthius pushed brutes aside and ran up in full armor, literally punching his way viciously through the horde of elites--killing everything in his path.

    The Sangheili were not used to the extreme gravity of this planet--the initial force of the Brutes completely overpowering them and ultimately defeating them.  However, this was no match.  Machines fell from the sky, weird machines with blue aura surrounding them--seeming to deflect whatever the Brutes threw at them.  They, the Jiralhanae, came together and fought this new threat.  War machines rampaging through the forests and plains--made of crudely configured metal shooting in any other direction--ramming through anything in its path.

    Eventually, this defense became all but futile--the overpowering technology of the Covenant and their sheer numbers crushing the Jiralhanae resistance in a matter of days.  Many were taken as prisoner--in fact all of them were--only temporarily though.  As they were almost completely consumed up into these weird purple machines and into the cruisers in the sky--thinking their death was imminent--if only they knew.

    --------

    Arterus was fighting through the fray of elites, all he could and will forever remember was at one point tearing someone apart--literally--and then seeing black.  Waking up--in some unknown time later in a strange room--only it wasn't a room--it was a ship.  He sat up, looking around curiously as many of these strange beasts held their weapons at him from a distance--obviously scared to get into a melee brawl with this beast--loud growls escaping Arterus' mouth.

    "Where am I?!" his voice roared out, seeming to shake the very metal that held the phantom together as it flew up.  Other Brutes surround him, looking up at him--quite surprised at Arterus' audacity.  He stood up, yelling louder, "Who the fuck are you?! What do you want from us! Tell me damnit!"  The elites did not respond, looking at him curiously and shrugging, keeping their guns poised.  Arterus sat back down and became silent, growling in discontent--the same growl escaping his brethren.  The same 'brethren' whom he would have killed only a day before.

    They arrived on the ship, elites waiting along with hunters and jackals patrolling the rafters.  They held their beam rifles poised--these new weapons not known to the Jiralhanae--at least THESE ones.  This type of technology was known to their ancestors--but they were long but dust into the ground at this point.  The brutes--walking out by the thousands onto many ships swarmed into the bays, the cruisers turning and flying off.  Only a few remain on Doisac--little to none.

    The old way of life is gone.  The new is coming--and to them--it's their executions.  To the Covenant--it's assimilation.

    <<Note before anyone wonders too much: There IS a reason I am consistently switching between referring to the brutes as "Brutes" and "Jiralhanae."  An underlying theme, one could say--I'll leave that for you guys to ponder about though ^_^>>

    Aloysius:
    -Less than half a of percent of players have the General rank on Xbox Live.


    How is the General rank fair again?

    Halo Fanboys. The next most annoying thing next to Jonas Brothers fanboys.
  •  11-02-2009, 8:09 PM 764351 in reply to 763900

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doisac

    good chapter, i only have two complaints

     

    1. This is my personal opinion- i think you used "literally" a wee bit too much, but it doesnt really matter.

     2. I would have liked alot more description on the battle, becuase, as you put it, he ran in, killed a few people, then his vision blacked out.  I dont know, i just would have liked a bit more action during that part.


    The Eayn Tribute: Read about the life of a jackal, who fights back during a rebellion against the covenant, and must struggle to remain alive as the Covenant fight the small group of rebels.

    http://www.halowars.com/forums/thread/804296.aspx

  •  11-02-2009, 8:26 PM 764379 in reply to 764351

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doisac

    belac:

    good chapter, i only have two complaints

     

    1. This is my personal opinion- i think you used "literally" a wee bit too much, but it doesnt really matter.

     2. I would have liked alot more description on the battle, becuase, as you put it, he ran in, killed a few people, then his vision blacked out.  I dont know, i just would have liked a bit more action during that part.

    Yeah, I got home from school and I couldn't think of any form of synonym.

    And as for the fighting part--the reason it was so short was well...it was so short.  It was a giant fray, I could have written another 2 paragraphs I guess on him beating the crap out of Brutes (I'll remember this when writing future fighting scenes ^_^) but lore says that the Elites made quick work of the Brutes.  

    I'll keep the critcism in mind though!


    Aloysius:
    -Less than half a of percent of players have the General rank on Xbox Live.


    How is the General rank fair again?

    Halo Fanboys. The next most annoying thing next to Jonas Brothers fanboys.
  •  11-02-2009, 8:30 PM 764384 in reply to 764379

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doisac

    Korther:
    belac:

    good chapter, i only have two complaints

     

    1. This is my personal opinion- i think you used "literally" a wee bit too much, but it doesnt really matter.

     2. I would have liked alot more description on the battle, becuase, as you put it, he ran in, killed a few people, then his vision blacked out.  I dont know, i just would have liked a bit more action during that part.

    Yeah, I got home from school and I couldn't think of any form of synonym.

    understandable, same thing happens to me ALL the time.


    The Eayn Tribute: Read about the life of a jackal, who fights back during a rebellion against the covenant, and must struggle to remain alive as the Covenant fight the small group of rebels.

    http://www.halowars.com/forums/thread/804296.aspx

  •  11-02-2009, 10:14 PM 764538 in reply to 764384

    Re: The Jiralhanae - Part 1 - Doisac

    Yeah, a little more description on the battle would have been awesome. I am intrigued, continue!
    SPQR! An ambitious historical project, coming soon. Check the Library for early version test writes. Recommended for anyone with a love of history.
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