Hello! Many of you know me as Offensive Bias, others may know me as Kuribayashi, but the point is, I have had the idea to set up a Thread, where authors can ask me to put an advertisement up on the OP. I will also be offering reviews of FF's, and I am there if someone wants a reader. No rating, just a reader to product criticism and support, ideas and thoughts, etc... So, if you would like an advertisement, please post in the thread. If you want a review, you can ask me here or by PM. Asking by PM is more reliable, as I will definitely get to you if you use PM, there is a very slight chance I will miss your request on the thread itself. All reviews and advertisements will be displayed here in their correct sections. please notify me if you would like to be on the team as a reviewer or a reader, so I don't get swamped! There are three positions open for each. Or, you could do both! Please, post what positions you would like either in PM, or here. And if you want any help with improving your FF, I am also available to re-write a chapter to the best of my abilities. (For confirmation on my abilities, just ask TMspartan) Thank you for your time.
NOTE!: This is a note to all reviewers, send me your review by PM only! It will be added to the OP as soon as possible in the correct section.
NOTE!: For those of you who want help, I have made clear I will gladly re-write one of your chapters to the best of my abilities. But I have to make it abundantly clear, I will not re-write more than one. You have to examine the one I made for you, notice the improvements, and try and add them into your own writing. TMspartan is a prime example. Brilliant guy, brilliant author.
Readers
1. Jumping Jet/ Sa Kage- Jumping Jet/ Night Angel
2. Eclipse 15
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Reviewers
1. TMspartan
2.
3.
Reviews
1. Survivors At Reach- Sp4rt4n- 7/10
Well I can see he is new to writing here, and for a first attempt this is great. But of course there are problems. Grammar and spelling is the main problem, I suggest a good proofread before posting. And there are adjectives that are out of place, and some places are missing needed words.
Transitions need to be improved, sometimes it jumps about randomly. And there is little detail on how things progress, it is a bit random when they move from one place to another.
I see a lot of repetition, mainly the main character faints a lot. Mixing it up a bit would help and give different feelings for each seperate scenario. And using nukes on on the Covenant carriers.
Exaggeration is a big problem, even from well defended lines Marines would not last long against a relentless Covenant assault, and single Spartans can't take down Scarabs. And Scarabs, even as big as they are, would not be able to shoot down a Covenant Carrier.
Canonical errors are not as common, but very important. Especially when your story is as tighly intertwined with an event such as the Fall of Reach.
Biofoam is used to apply pressure to wounds to stop it from bleeding, and it is used in suits to block breaches. It is not the magic fix button when you break a bone.
Dialogue could be improved, the characters need to speak with more emotion. Dialogue deepens the characteristics you create and allows people to connect with your characters. Imagine if you were in their situation as best you can.
But overall this is a good read, each chapter improves on the last and these errors become less common. I suggest you pay a little more attention the next time you write. To the readers though, this is a fascinating story and do not allow these errors to distract you from the story inside. Hope this helps for your future chapters.
2. Shadows Call- Jumping jet/ Sa Kage- Jumping Jet/ Night Angel- 8/10
Okay, where to start? First off, the prologue of course. As it starts, the prologue is ridiculously short, and would be better suited as that part on the blurb of a book that gives the reader an example of suspense that makes them want to go that extra step and get the book. It is not the best prologue I have ever seen either, but it does its job. Regardless of how short the prologue is, we still get an introduction to two of the main characters, and we can establish some very minute details about their personality. Now, onto the actual story!
The chapter starts out with a piece of dialogue from an unknown speaker, and we are then thrust into the mind of Kylar. I find the idea that he has a survival checklist in his head a little funny, I don't know why. Then, we get this short montage of questions and answers. Listed below
“What woke you?” Being the question.
“Voice” Being the answer.
It goes on like this for a small while until we have the actual story. This comes up to explaining the unorthodox training methods of Durzo Blint. He resorts to tying a sword above the bed and actually trying to kill his apprentice. That's pretty devious of Durzo right? So, we have a lot of mistakes that I can see in the start of the first chapter. And a mistake in the blurb. Of course, this being a review, I am not going to correct them or point them out. Anyway, the story seems okay so far, we've only come a little ways in and we have some pretty serious character development.
Kylar seems a little worried about his first job, he worries that he might not be able to kill alone, that he can even bring himself to do what an assassin, or a wetboy does. There are points awarded for realism. Then we have more of Durzo's sadistic and ruthless nature exposed, where we are hinted twice in a short space of time, that he will kill Kylar for any reason. And well, I find him a little too murderous. We can already establish that he is also skilled at killing and has amazingly fast reflexes. The perfect assassin right? The plot continues to Kylar infiltrating the castle, of which has no name, and he makes his way to his target, in a disguise! A little more detail here would have been good for this part, added length and description of the area around Kylar.
I'm also a little confused at how fast the scene changes. I lost track of where he was a few times. Maybe change that around? Again by adding that touch more detail? Then, we come to the actual attack. I'm sure a knife cutting through your neck and into your spin would be more painful than a sting... He should have fallen to the floor. Instead he is still standing. And, if Kylar is thrusting the knife with enough force for it to bounce out of his hand, he must have been able to do more damage? Something I found a little annoying. Anyway, moving on.
When the woman is pleading, it sounds a little pathetic and unrealistic. “Oh god, why? Why did I take this job?” Doesn't sound like something you would say when you have a knife pointed at you. Just saying. And how the f*ck did Blint just appear?! He comes out of no-where! How did he get past the guards? Did he kill them? What?!
Now, the mistakes in the first chapter were plenty. I could list a lot of them, you need to thoroughly check through what you wrote and correct the mistakes. You use sentences to good effect, you describe the characters well, you give us an insight into the world of the assassin, although I think it would have been better if Devon had fought back. But hey, what am I gonna do? So, in future, work on your spelling, keep an eye out for those mistakes and try and describe your scenes more. So we have a clear picture in our heads.
Overall, I can safely say that the story shows a lot of promise, and it looks as though it will go very far. Keep it up, you got a good review. Thumbs up!
3. Debtors Prison- Chuckles- 10/10!!!! (Edited)
This thrilling yet creepy FF is original and well written. Mistakes are hard to find, and even at that they are only small such as small grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes.
The characters such as Denan are very well described and the Joker or Jacklin, was described as the very essence of a psychotic and devious being. Denan's emotions are perfectly displayed and he reacted as any human would. Without giving too much away I'm just going to say the Ezekem resemble a hybrid of blood-thirsty creatures mixed with the Flood.
The environment seems dark and creepy, and at the same time endless and transformed from a functioning Facility to a hellish nightmare. And Denan's team was plunged into this madman's creation as he battles for survival and the truth.
The character history was delivered in an original way and it deepened the ties between Jacklin and Denan. The discussion regarding Paris IV gave insight to the relatioship between Denan and Jacklin, but yet left mystery and speculation.
Transitions were smooth and easy to follow. As well as very descriptive.
There were no problems with description or events, this story is flawless, and I recommend it to anyone who likes a thrilling FF with a hint of mystery and horror.
Overall I give this a 9/10, maybe even a 10/10. It was an amazing FF and hopefully Chuckles continues this in the future.
4. Tier 0- Tmspartan-10/10
Starting on the Prologue, we have this insight into the Forerunners. We see mentions of the Halo rings, the flood and of course, that they may still be alive. We can see this by reading a part of the prologue. “We thought we stopped it, and from within our safeworlds, we waited, we knew they would rise again, but we could not help the rising species.” This hint that they are still alive could be a subtle look into the plot of this FF. Couple that with the name of the FF itself, “Tier 0”, that there could be something to do with the Precursors, who are the only known race to have achieved tier 0. The Precursors are also mentioned in the prologue. Some very subtle insights give us a small clue as to what is going to happen.
The “Insight to a Parasite” part of the FF is a very nice touch in my opinion. Seeing the Flood through their own eyes. Something neglected in most FF's, a new and refreshing way of writing.
After the prologue and the Insight to a Parasite parts, we finally reach the first chapter.
The fanatical religious movement is a very nice idea I think, especially seeing as they have a monitor. But, when the monitor talks to them, I think it should talk to them as if they already know what they have to do. Like how 343 Guilty Spark talks to the Chief as though the Chief knows everything about the Forerunners and Halo and everything. Just what I think would make a little more sense. And also, I like the Johnson reference. When the soldier calls it a “Lightbulb”
The meeting with the ONI personnel is a very nice piece of writing. The ONI are mysterious, they are obscured in shadow, there are no details about them whatsoever. We then get this large piece of info. Project SIGMA, something said to be able to surpass the Spartans in every way. We are hooked then. It builds intrigue and suspense. What can be stronger than a Spartan? But there is one thing I'm unclear on. Where do they have the funding for this amazing project? I thought attempting something like the Spartan II's would cost them dearly, but what would a whole new breed of Spartans, better than the originals cost?
And there my question is answered, albeit vaguely. They received the funding because of the effects of the Spartan II project going public. Dangit, I thought I had you there TM. Our main character, Derek is led underground and told he is the next generation. Okay, fair enough.
I have a huge problem with the next part. It is explained in great detail, and I'm not faulting that. But what I am faulting, is this way the Humans have of “Un-glassing” a planet. It's explained well, but I just don't like that idea. How have they even had a chance to test it out? I thought they were at war. Another problem. Harvest is one of the furthest planets away from UNSC space. It was right on the edge until the Covenant muscled in. With the war still going on, why would they go all the way there? Make it there? And then undergo this very long process of making it habitable again? It seems incredibly pointless and unrealistic for me.
Overall, it was an amazing piece of written art, with only five mistakes I found. You have exceeded yourself, with great attention paid to detail, plot and character development. And so it is with great pleasure, I award this FF, full marks, 10/10. Congratulations.
Upcoming reviews
1. Leave Out All The Rest- Chuckles
2. Halo: Return of the Fallen- Shadow Titan
3. Halo: Inserrection- Wolverfrog
4. Desperate Measures- OhSoDeadly
5. Klone 666- Mr. Grenade
6. Relevance- Omega 505/Forgotten One
7. ODST: Hellbound- Spartan R41/Ocean born
SPQR! An ambitious historical project, coming soon. Check the Library for early version test writes. Recommended for anyone with a love of history.