Alright so this is a chapter from my ODST story. It is somewhat in the middle and it's that way so nobody jacks my **** per say. Tell me your thought and most importantly nit pick the hell out of it so I can make it better.

Chapter 3: Regroup

Sergeant Chase Patton pressed a button on his console and watched the titanium door in front of him shoot outwards. He took a moment to clear his senses and stepped out into the light. He tried to reach anyone from his squad but came up short, either everyone was dead or something nearby was cutting off COM ability. Chase finally took time to look more into his surroundings, he had landed in Central Downtown of Voi, their mission was to clear out Covenant forces in the nearby neighborhoods alongside all other branches of the military. It was clear cut and simple, those type of missions were not easily *** up. He was surrounded by sky scrapers and workshops on all sides, none of which seemed occupied so he had time...for now.

It took Chase half a minute to grab his gear out, which consisted of two M9 HE-DP Grenades, a BR55 Battle Rifle, and one M6G Pistol. He strapped the frags to his side and hefted the Battle Rifle on his shoulder the pistol laying on the seat of the HEV. He grabbed out three mags for his rifle, one of which he slapped home and then pulled the action hearing a satisfying 'click'. He pocketed the other two in his chest piece and grabbed up the pistol, it was already loaded and he grabbed an extra mag. "Hell it couldn't hurt" ran through his mind.

Chase turned, about to leave when he heard the sound of crumbling debris behind him. He turned instantly, rifle in one hand pistol in the other because he hadn't had time to holster it. The debris had come to a rest at the corner of the street, right beside Joshua.

 Chase's fellow ODST had his Battle Rifle cradled in his arms, "So Sergeant you going to shoot me?"

Chase grinned behind his faceplate, "Like I would waste ammo on a Private, you son are worth less than baby grunts."

Joshua shrugged at the words, "Yeah but they are so **** cute." He laughed lightly then jogged over to Chase.

"You got any news about the rest of our squad" Chase asked wondering if he was the only one with bad luck.

"Yes sir, they regrouped right down the street. I was actually on my way and low and behold I run into my Sergeant, who I would like to add looks quite bad ass in his armor." Joshua nudged Chase's shoulder with his.

"Alright then let's get moving, and by the way no wonder you're still a Private. Your ass kissing sucks." Chase pointed forward with two fingers and the two ODST's moved forward rifles raised.

It only took three minutes flat and three dead grunts to reach the rest of the squad. Chase had turned the corner to see them set up behind three burned out vehicles, weapons poised and ready to strike out if anyone with an ugly face came by, which may have meant problems for Joshua if it wasn't for the faceplate.

"Sir, over here" Shirley called out, waving a hand over her head signaling them in. Chase and Joshua sprinted up, "Hey babe, miss me" Joshua asked and was promptly given the middle finger salute as Shirley slammed her helmet into Chase's. Chase simply grinned, that was her way of saying 'Hey', and he was the only one she enjoyed doing it to.

"Status" he asked while eyeing the other three squad members. Crystal and her sniper rifle, cool and collective as always. Roberts with his SPNKr, as pissed off as always. Then finally Sarah, already covered in soot and ready to hide in any shadow. The perfect part of all of this is they were suited and ready, their vitals linking into his HUD displaying green across the board.

"We're just great, problem is everyone else isn't. We've been tasked with destroying the little device clogging up the COMs around here. I pin pointed its location before it was able to cut me off, only a ten minute stroll" Shirley said with her second in command tone.

"Wait, how the hell do you get orders to destroy something blocking COMs, if you have no COMs!" Joshua yelled back at her.

"Well because obviously if we have no COMs the mission is to get them back up smartass" she replied matter of factly. "Isn't that right Sergeant?"

Chase nodded with his approval, "The ladies right, we need to take whatever is doing this out so when the real battle begins we are not fighting deaf and blind. Now let's move." Every ODST simply grabbed their gear and began moving down the street in a line, weapons at the ready, with Chase in the front and Roberts in the back.

You asked me to take a look at this, so here I am! I guess this is just a section from the chapter, the chapter being too long to post? It's hard to get a feel for a story when you read excerps, because there are so many things you could already have mentioned.

The first sentence seems a little cumbersome, btw. While you've said your preferences border on the descriptive side, 'the still hot titanium door' is just too much info for a door, it's not important enough. That's just a nitpick, though, I guess.

One problem I notice about FF writers is they tend to write as if there's a camera looking at their characters; instead of 'He took a moment to clear his head' or something, your guy 'shook his head once'. The problem is, characters do these things in games to show clearly what a character is doing/thinkg because games have emotional limitations. Stories don't, so you shouldn't shackle yourself to them. Also I guess it's in the nature of fanfiction to be as specific as possible with equipment and what not, but 'It took Chase half a minute to grab his gear out, which consisted of two M9 HE-DP Grenades, a BR55 Battle Rifle, and one M6G Pistol. He strapped the frags to his side and hefted the Battle Rifle on his shoulder the pistol laying on the seat of the HEV. He grabbed out three mags for his rifle, one of which he slapped home and then pulled the action hearing a satisfying 'click'. He pocketed the other two in his chest piece and grabbed up the pistol' sacrifices fluidity for specifics, which I don't think is necessary. Couldn't your MC have simply '...grabbed his gear, strapped the M9 HE-DP Grenades to his side, hefted the BR 55 onto his shoulder and thrown the pistol on the HEVs seat...'? It's not perfect and I'm not much for all the Halo lingo, but it certainly reads smooth.

 You should revisit your dialogue tags, because of those reasons I've mentioned elsewhere. Also, google is a great tool to brush up on grammar, particularly in dialogue for you. It won't take long and it'll help you in the long run. If you really enjoy writing and want to keep improving you should join writingforums.com.

 

I hope you join the site, it has a friendly community who are willing to help eachother. Nice story! 

 

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zIP r i n c eIz

MeatShield:

everyone knows prince is the best

Very good, so far, I liked it, and usually I'm not the biggest fan of ODST stories.

What Prince said was pretty useful and there isn't really can add, but as for Halo lingo, I tend to say it once or twice to establih it, and then I become a bit more general.

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Vigil will never be defeated.

Thanks for the tips, I actually hated the heated door line as well but didn't go with my writers gut and low and behold you didn't like it either. So I'll take that out and I got a feel for what you mean when you say the camera angle writing style. I actually like your way better and will try to fit it in, though I only see flowing coming from using just his in that type. Because we know he is the main character so it makes sense but using it on othe rcharacters might be a tad to much as they are just outsiders in his tale. Finally I simply prefer to be specific with gear so people know exactly where everything is at and what the numbers are. Because in a war story where close combat is almost going to happen you don't want to seem like you're pulling things out your ass. This way they know right where the mags are along with the other weapons.

I see your last point, but you're not writing a shooter, you're writing a story. It's true you can't deus ex machina your guy out of a bad situation all the time, but on the same coin he doesn't have to reach for a new magazine by reaching to the third clip on his belt or whatever. He can just 'reload'. I hope you get my point?

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zIP r i n c eIz

MeatShield:

everyone knows prince is the best

Yeah I understand what you mean. But you can also if you know what you're doing flip that same coin(for a third time>_>) and pull off better fluidity and be more descriptive. As in, "Chase dropped the spent mag to the ground, smoke still sizzling upwards from the end of his rifle. He grabbed a mag from his chest piece fumbling it with in his fingers due to adrenaline and almost dropping it to the ground, he took one slow breath to regain himself and loaded his rifle. With a quick movement he leaned back onto the hood of the car he had used for cover and replied to the plasma bolts whipping by him with some good ol' .354 caliber rounds." Seriously asking, does that hold what we are both aiming at?

TwilightSunder:Yeah I understand what you mean. But you can also if you know what you're doing flip that same coin(for a third time>_>) and pull off better fluidity and be more descriptive. As in, "Chase dropped the spent mag to the ground, smoke still sizzling upwards from the end of his rifle. He grabbed a mag from his chest piece fumbling it with in his fingers due to adrenaline and almost dropping it to the ground, he took one slow breath to regain himself and loaded his rifle. With a quick movement he leaned back onto the hood of the car he had used for cover and replied to the plasma bolts whipping by him with some good ol' .354 caliber rounds." Seriously asking, does that hold what we are both aiming at?

Well, the problem with description is you can't have too much of it and keep any type of fluidity in a prose. The first sentence is fine by itself, but when you add the awkwardness of his movements and the mention of adrenaline in the next sentence, you end up cramming too much info into the action. There are two ways to write action scenes, there is the blow by blow method ('He parried both her strikes and countered with a lunge of his own blade') and the broader action method ('They exchanged blows, each testing the other's abilities'). You are using the blow by blow method, which means you can't afford to be descriptive and you can't afford to tell the reader every blow. If you combine the methods, you get something like: 'Rifle sizzling and fingers fumbling, he reloaded, breathed and returned fire,' which is just an example, but you get enough description and action but you also gain tempo and fluidity.

 

Hope this helped.

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zIP r i n c eIz

MeatShield:

everyone knows prince is the best

I understand, well RP *** my writing up big time. This'll take some time and skill to fix.

I liked what you have, and hope you post the completed story after the contest (which I assume is the cause for all the ODST stories). Keep in mind while writing the rest of your story to add environmental factors; is it raining, low-light, foggy? Are the roads so slick that the Warthogs have trouble gaining traction? This is a good detail to bring your story to life.

Also, don't be afraid to use temerature in dialouge. Saying "Private," the Sergeant said coldly, "stand down." is much different from saying "Private," the Sergeant said hotly, "stand down." In one sense, the Sergeant isn't messing around, and in the other he's pissed. Also remember that there are several ways to say something. You can hiss, whisper, breath, shout, bark, snap- almost any onomotopia you can think of.

Have fun writing!

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Current Fan Fictions in the Library:

ODST: Hellbound

The Interrogation of Ellen Anders

Halo: Archangel

Please don't fall into the trap of replacing said with everything you can think of. You are a good enough writer to trust yourself - the reader will know how someone said something by what is happening and how they say things - trust me.

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zIP r i n c eIz

MeatShield:

everyone knows prince is the best