this is my first ff tell me how you like it ( don't hold back this will reflect if i will keep writing this ff or not)

 

                                                                                       Prolouge

     Rilfe had been trainning for years it may have been paintball but he was good shot better then most people he was sure. The best shot in his camp at least he wanted to be in the Dwarka milita, when he was a kid, but was too young, and by the time he could join Dwarka was long gone. Glassed 10 years ago by the coveant he was the only one in his family who surrived, now it was his time for pay back. The pelican would be at the center of the of camp this place had been his home, the battle field would be his grave.

   

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read my ff:rilfe all comments welcome
the more you say the more i write

keep on writing just remeber to finshe it

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atvs are awsome add a guy with rockets on the back. try it

need a few reviews not just on

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read my ff:rilfe all comments welcome
the more you say the more i write

good story, but could use some correcting. A little hard to understand at a couple of parts. 

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aloy once said that he was done plaing nice with anyone who joined prior to 09.

Now were done playing nice

if its good and people like it i will spend alot more time writing love to wirte but dont want 2 write at home in case my friends find it so online is where i write

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read my ff:rilfe all comments welcome
the more you say the more i write

were all a little different away from out friends. If my buddies figured out that i soent so much time on here, furthermore had over 1000 posts, i would get so much crap. 

would be kinda funny though....... 

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aloy once said that he was done plaing nice with anyone who joined prior to 09.

Now were done playing nice

Amen to that brother

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read my ff:rilfe all comments welcome
the more you say the more i write

come on no 1 im writing the 1st chapter but would love and thoughts you guys have

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read my ff:rilfe all comments welcome
the more you say the more i write

      Chapter 1

     Its was o'6 hundred hours and Rilfe was ready to leave. He said his good byes last night, there weren't many to say good bye to he was the kind of man who kept to himself. He was at the center of camp by o'7 hundred and the Pelican was ready and wating. There weren't many people in the Pelican but he couldn't blame them. The UNSC gave them a small amount of help most of the time they were on there own. He reconized a few from around camp most just wanted the hell out of there, but they would fight they were probably there for the same reason as Rilfe revenge.
     They got to the boot camp about 12 hours later and thoses 12 hours he got to know " those people" they all were ready to give there lives. One of thoses people Rilfe really liked his name was Dan he was alot like him just wants his revenge and save people so they don't end up like them, he was older and had shot a real gun all in all Rilfe was the better shot.
     When they arrived at boot they were greeted by the CPO, CPO Arroyo. One thing they didn't think of was that the their CPO was a girl. The second they stepped off the ramp of the pelican the formed a line and presented them selfs in front of her. They then wen't down the line stated their name and purpose of joining the UNSC. Rilfe was last he kept studdering he didn't know why, but after a few seconds he stopped studdering, and said his reason was to avenge his friends and family.There was someting about the CPO something that made Rilfe sweat and studder, he had never felt like this before. That night they ate talked got to know each other because for the next 15 months they were the only family they had.
     

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read my ff:rilfe all comments welcome
the more you say the more i write

come on no 1 reads this i worte it and if no 1 reads it then i won't wirte the rest

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read my ff:rilfe all comments welcome
the more you say the more i write

yeah its okay, but it would be much better if you had more accurate punctuation.

also there are a few words missing.

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"I smoke a fat pound of grass, and fall on my ass faster than a fat *** who sat down to fast"

If you don't like R!zZle BiZzl£ then you can shnizzle my nizzle

right, i'm sorry but im just gonna piss on this particular little bon fire before you write any more. The punctuation is horrendous, the story line is equaly as appaling, you execution is the worst i've seen in quite a while and you REALLY should just give up now. Its not worth continuing to write a story that no one will read, and even less people will enjoy. I'm sorry, but that's the truth; blunt as you like, but still the truth. Please stop before your writing makes we want to kill myself.

i will write the next chapter, but spend alot more time the more comments the better i will write

 

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read my ff:rilfe all comments welcome
the more you say the more i write

masekpmel:

Prologue

     Rilfe had been training for years. It may have only been paintball but he was good shot; better then most people he was sure. The best shot in his camp at least he wanted to be in the Dwarka milita when he was a kid, but was too young, and by the time he could join Dwarka was long gone. Glassed 10 years ago by the Covenant he was the only one in his family who surived, now it was his time for pay back. The Pelican would be at the center of the of camp and the place that had been his home, the battlefield would be his grave.

 

I editied it to make it clearer. Not the best prologue I've ever read, it's not easy to follow, and some of the sentences didn't make sense.

 

masekpmel:

 Chapter 1

     Its was o'6 hundred hours and Rilfe was ready to leave. He said his goodbyes last night, there weren't many to say goodbye to, as he was the kind of man who kept to himself. He was at the center of camp by o'7 hundred and the Pelican was ready and wating. There weren't many people in the Pelican but he couldn't blame them. The UNSC gave them a small amount of help most of the time they were on their own. He recognized a few from around camp most just wanted to get the hell out of there, but they would fight. They were probably there for the same reason as Rilfe. Revenge.
     They got to the boot camp about 12 hours later and those 12 hours he got to know " those people" and they all were ready to give their lives. One of those people Rilfe really liked was Dan. He was alot like him, as he wanted  revenge and save people they could, so they don't end up like them, he was older and had shot a real gun, but all in all, Rilfe was the better shot.
     When they arrived at boot they were greeted by the CPO, CPO Arroyo. One thing they didn't think of was that the their CPO was a girl. The second they stepped off the ramp of the Pelican the formed a line and presented them selves in front of her. They then went down the line stated their name and purpose of joining the UNSC. Rilfe was last he kept shuddering and he didn't know why, but after a few seconds he stopped shuddering, and said his reason was to avenge his friends and family.There was someting about the CPO something that made Rilfe sweat and shudder, he had never felt like this before. That night they ate talked got to know each other because for the next 15 months they were the only family they had.

I editied this as well. I'd try not to use the same word over and over again in the same few sentences, not to mention trying to describe the environoment, and characters a little better.

This needs serious work, but it can easily be improved if you dedicate more time on it.

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Vigil is watching you

Halo: The Unlatched Casket- The horror is released........

thnks for editing and no one cared so i didnt spend much time pm if you want 2 help i could write the chapter and u make sure its good so it wont be crap when i post

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read my ff:rilfe all comments welcome
the more you say the more i write