FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

Last post 01-20-2009, 7:41 PM by eliteempire. 13 replies.
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  •  12-31-2008, 5:16 PM 433907

    FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    St. Peter’s List of Heroes…

    "...and when he gets to heaven,

    to Saint Peter he will tell,

    "One more soldier reporting sir,

    I've served my time in hell."

     

     

    Prologue:

     

    Paris V

    1200hrs

    October 9th 2588.

     

    Roughly 20 years after theHuman-Covenant War the government decided to release all documents regardingthe war, at this time several veterans also decided to count the tales of thereexperiences in the war… for the men and women documenting these interviews oneparticular word caught there attention “Nordavick”.  Upon further research and access into UNSCdatabases, it was revealed that Nordavick was a human colony lost roughly 20years after Harvest, the interview team learned that Nordavick was the InnerColonies crowned jewel, it was not only the crown jewel but Nordavick was alsothe UNSC first Triumph card and was the last fortress world before Reach.

     

    Consisting of some 10 Billioncitizens the planet was turned into a metropolis covering roughly 70% of theplanet,  Nordavick was also the sitewhere the UNSC had built numerous new technologies and weapons that if thesehad managed to reach the frontlines the outcome of the war might have beendifferent, unfortunately as the interview team found out Nordavick had anhorrific outcome in the war, and even though Nordavick was left in the darkbecause of the crushing defeat at Reach, the unsung heroes of Nordavick wherenever known…until now as the team discovered more details they where lead toEarth…

     

    Chapter 1

     

    Meet the Heroes….

     

    The Team of Interviewers lead byThomas Winters, a tall white man standing 6’6ft and weighing some 190lbs, blondhair and a thick proud beard, sat at the house of Mrs. Sarah McClain, Widow ofSergeant Douglas McClain.

     

    “Could you tell us what exactlyhappened?” asked Thomas with a sweet gentle voice.

     

    The woman nodded in acceptance andpulled a holo-picture of her dead husband along with a holo-recorder.

     

    “He was sent there just weeks afterHarvest, He told me…” said the woman as a tear dropped from her cheek.

     

    “He told me it was probably nothing,that the government was just getting nervous” she said.  “But I could tell he was lying…he never wasmuch of a good liar” she said as she tried to giggle to hide her pain.

     

    “Douglas was a good man, and a goodsoldier, his friends from his unit would constantly visit us…but that day…thatday things didn’t seem right” she continued

     

    “When he reach Nordavick, he told meit was beautiful, just like Earth but something about the planet seemed morerelaxing” she said.

     

    “Could you tell us what happenedafter the covenant where known public” Thomas asked as he edged his seat.

     

    “When the covenant where known tothe public in general” she said as she tried to remember, there was a shortpause.

     

    “I immediately called him, he hadsaid that it was okay, that if the covenant tried to attack they would bestopped dead in there tracks, Nordavick as anything beyond what we had been letknown, far greater that even reach”  shesaid as the began to play the holo-recorder

     

    “He sent me this to show me whatthey looked like” she said as the Holo-recorder began to play, the dateappeared September 12th 2535 the image of Sgt. Thomas McClainappeared, he had a slightly dark white skin, brown hair and hazel eyes, by whatThomas could tell he probably stood some 6’5 ft tall and had a very well builtbody.

     

    “September 12, 2535, this one wasbrought in from Denora, a medium Colony lost to us three days ago, by what Icould see it has dark brownish skin and has some earth reptiliancharacteristics, what intrigues me the most is that it is capable of speech,even though no tongue is present in its four mandibles, we thought these thingswhere actually robots, but it turns out they are just encased on a very durablearmor alloy of some kind and a energy-shield, they seem strong quitestrong…this one almost broke his hand-cuffs and had to be tranquillized…enoughsedatives where hit into him to put down a baby Harvest Whale…”

     

    Sarah Cut the video before itcontinued, she began to break down in tears as memories of her husband came toher mind, she still pulled herself together and kept on narrating.

     

    “Anyway…after 2 years or so hemessaged me saying that he was gonna be sent on his first mission, I told himto be careful like always and that I would wait a million years for him if Ihad to” she said as she smiled at Thomas.

     

    “The day that Nordavick wasattacked…he sent me a message telling me to retreat to some asteroid colonieson a distant region, because not even Earth was safe anymore, among many morethings…I know Douglas died a hero…a UNSC officer entered roughly 3 days afterDouglas had messaged me, telling me Douglas died, I was very sad, but it gaveme some comfort as the Officer explained to me Douglas died defending hisfriends as they evacuated from Nordavick, he gave his life trying to give theevacuation ships enough time to leave…”

     

    - - - - -

     

    Earth,

    United States,

    Washington State, Seattle,

    Sol System 1453 hrs.

     

     

    “Nordavick….?” Asked aAfrican-american man with cornrows, the man was roughly on his 50’s as he stoodoverlooking Seattlecity from the balcony of his apartment.

     

    “That’s where my brotherdied…Lieutenant Robert Koopman Jr III, or Koop as everyone called him” said theman with his deep voice.

     

    “Could you tell us more about him?”asked Thomas as he stood recording behind the Holo-recorder.

     

    The man sighing as he laid back onthe wall and closed his eyes and then looked at the camera.

     

    “Koop was sent there 2 months afterHarvest, he was excited, first space-trip ever for him, he was gonna see otherplaces, he was happy, but I could see it in my little brother’s eyes…he wasscared too” said the man as he looked back at the city below.

     

    “When he got to Nordavick Koopmessaged me constantly telling me today some sergeant promoted him, other timeshe told us he was on patrol, others that some weird things where being broughtback in cages and covered, they made weird animal like sounds, nothing like hehad heard before”  said the man as hewalked to his living room and sat down.

     

    “What happened to your brother?Asked Thomas as he kept his eyes on the recorder.

     

    “Hmph…when Nordavick was attackedKoop, was on some fortress, next day an Officer comes to mom and pop’s houseand tells them what happened, pops got enraged and starts yelling at theofficer, mom collapses on the sofa and began cryin’ her eyes out…”  says the man as he looked to a portrait of hisbrother in uniform.

     

    “That night pops told me what hadhappened when I got home…Robert had died a hero…though ‘lil koop’ hadcommandeered a warthog with some of his friends and two more transportvehicles, he went into enemy lines to rescue civilians and fellow marines…notonce…not twice…Koop entered back and forth for five times…five times Kooprisked his life for people he never knew…he was awarded the Colonial Cross andwas promoted posthumously…”

    - - - - -

     

    Earth,

    Africa,

    Kenya, New Mombasa

    Sol System 1700 hrs.

     

    “Hehe…dad was a great man…heck hewas awesome” said a man named Yurik

     

    “What was his name? Thomas asked ashe took note

     

    “Dad? Well back in the military hisrank and name was Lance Corporal Nicholas Petrenov, he was a field combatsniper”

     

    Could you tell me what happened toPetrenov?” asked Thomas again

     

    “Nico, arrived about two maybe threeyears after Harvest, I’m sorry I was only a child, so I can’t remember well,but dad was a hero atleast to me” he said

     

    “So why did your dad arrive threeyears after Harvest?”  Asked Thomas

     

    “Things where getting bad I guess,dad would constantly write to mom and he would monthly was allowed a live-feedso he could see me and mom, he would always tell me stories of how he shotaliens and helped his friends….though…” he said as Yurik paused trying toprobably hide is sadness.

     

    “It was unusual, dad sent a videofeed, just two days after he had talked to us, he seemed scared, and peoplewhere running around behind him and fire and screaming, mom didn’t allow me towatch the feed so I cant remember well….but three days later a man in uniformtalks to my mom while she’s handling her garden, I watched from my room as momjust collapsed crying in the man’s shoulder…mom didn’t explain to me whathappened until I was older and the war was over…” he said

     

    What happened to your father?”Thomas asked,

     

    “He died a Hero,  after the initial attack, dad took shelter ina building with some civilians, he alone defended the place for two daysstraight, after that he helped a team of soldiers escape through the sewers ofNordavick, they where 7 miles behind enemy lines…until a group of Warthogs gotto them, dad had to stay behind to save there lives, he didn’t take hisWarthog, figuring that if he did so, the others would be killed…he allowedhimself to stay behind to save others…”

     


    How's this? 

     

     



    It Is Not What You Have Done, It Is What You Will Become...
  •  12-31-2008, 7:10 PM 433945 in reply to 433907

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    AT LEAST...One opinion?

    It Is Not What You Have Done, It Is What You Will Become...
  •  12-31-2008, 7:14 PM 433948 in reply to 433945

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    Hmm.....font is nearing the mark of fail.  Extremely hard to read even WITH my glasses.  Increase the size by 1 or 2, then I'll actually read it.

    Thanks Ryzza & Mr. Bacon for teaching me how to make these
  •  12-31-2008, 8:08 PM 433961 in reply to 433907

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    I'll read it later, but I think the quote you are looking for at the beginning is an excerpt from a poem/epitaph that goes something like this:

     

    "...and when he gets to heaven,

    to Saint Peter he will tell,

    "One more soldier reporting sir,

    I've served my time in hell."


    "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never encountered automatic weapons."
    -General Douglas MacArthur

    The Pheonix War: Pheonix Rising:
    http://www.halowars.com/forums/thread/378844.aspx
  •  12-31-2008, 8:28 PM 433971 in reply to 433961

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    and

    need a space between the sir and i

    and i agree AJ.



    thanx commander FOX

    "tho i walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil"
  •  12-31-2008, 10:03 PM 433987 in reply to 433971

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    I would address each mistake on its own...but you made a lot of the same type so I won't.

    Once you end speech, never leave the quotation mark by itself. You can use the comma if you're going to say who said it after.
    (Ex.) "I'm not sure," David shrugged.
    You can place a period if you aren't going to add something to the end.
    "I'm not sure." or
    "I'm not sure," David said. "He never told me."
    Also, you can place a question mark or exclamation mark after if they are shouting or asking a question, regardless if you are saying anything after the dialogue.

    Second, always remember to finish a quote with a quotation mark.

    Third, add a space after a comma, for the most part you were good with this, but it was more than once you messed up.

    Now for the actual story.....

    Meh, You don't go into much detail and it doesn't seem to give each of these heroes justice, perhaps you should tell the story from the heroes' views....I don't know, it wasn't very satisfying by itself though.

    Sorry for the criticism, I'll keep an eye on it to see if it improves. It has great potential...maybe it's just not the type of ff I enjoy....

    Good Luck!


    Chuckles

    Anyone else here getting sick of tiny two-word posts that become huge because of the O.G. picture?

  •  12-31-2008, 10:10 PM 433992 in reply to 433987

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    the spelling and stuff i will leave to the good spellers and s***.!!!!

    the story really made me think of the Tv show Band of brothers. I really liked how you told the reader about each one useing family members and not some officer. the typeing could be bigger. but overall i would give this a 5-6/10. although i would say add more detail's in the next chatpers. But how you did it with showing us the people i say u did a good job.

    if u don't understand what i just typed just ask me.


    " I stay here until all others have gone. I will make sure I am the last one to be here. And when I am, I shall make a thread. A memorial thread. And I shall leave these forums behind. " - Offensive Bias
  •  01-01-2009, 6:03 PM 434470 in reply to 433987

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    Chuckles:

    I would address each mistake on its own...but you made a lot of the same type so I won't.

    Once you end speech, never leave the quotation mark by itself. You can use the comma if you're going to say who said it after.
    (Ex.) "I'm not sure," David shrugged.
    You can place a period if you aren't going to add something to the end.
    "I'm not sure." or
    "I'm not sure," David said. "He never told me."
    Also, you can place a question mark or exclamation mark after if they are shouting or asking a question, regardless if you are saying anything after the dialogue.

    Second, always remember to finish a quote with a quotation mark.

    Third, add a space after a comma, for the most part you were good with this, but it was more than once you messed up.

    Now for the actual story.....

    Meh, You don't go into much detail and it doesn't seem to give each of these heroes justice, perhaps you should tell the story from the heroes' views....I don't know, it wasn't very satisfying by itself though.

    Sorry for the criticism, I'll keep an eye on it to see if it improves. It has great potential...maybe it's just not the type of ff I enjoy....

    Good Luck!

    Thanks and the story is not even half-way done, that was just like the setting for it, I will read the story from each soldiers side, and thats where I'll go with the detail. 



    It Is Not What You Have Done, It Is What You Will Become...
  •  01-01-2009, 6:07 PM 434476 in reply to 434470

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    Fix. The. Font.
    Thanks Ryzza & Mr. Bacon for teaching me how to make these
  •  01-01-2009, 6:17 PM 434491 in reply to 434476

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    I. WIll. Be. On. That. lol

    It Is Not What You Have Done, It Is What You Will Become...
  •  01-01-2009, 6:21 PM 434494 in reply to 433961

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    Delta0:

    I'll read it later, but I think the quote you are looking for at the beginning is an excerpt from a poem/epitaph that goes something like this:

     

    "...and when he gets to heaven,

    to Saint Peter he will tell,

    "One more soldier reporting sir,

    I've served my time in hell."

    Thx Delta 



    It Is Not What You Have Done, It Is What You Will Become...
  •  01-01-2009, 8:27 PM 434582 in reply to 434494

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    anytime, 'mano
    "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never encountered automatic weapons."
    -General Douglas MacArthur

    The Pheonix War: Pheonix Rising:
    http://www.halowars.com/forums/thread/378844.aspx
  •  01-01-2009, 8:56 PM 434595 in reply to 434582

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    Much better.  The story is looking good so far and Chuckles has already pointed out the errors so everything is good to go.

    Thanks Ryzza & Mr. Bacon for teaching me how to make these
  •  01-20-2009, 7:41 PM 446245 in reply to 434595

    Re: FF. St. Peter's List of Heroes...

    if i may ask when is the next capter to come {sp}
    " I stay here until all others have gone. I will make sure I am the last one to be here. And when I am, I shall make a thread. A memorial thread. And I shall leave these forums behind. " - Offensive Bias
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