Vigil: I haven't read a lot of the fan-fics on the site. I've only read Death of Victoria, Project Mayhem, Defence of Humanity and scrolled through a few others.
Yours is still pretty good even compared to these. You are a fine writer. As are many people on this site. This is why I think the next Fan-fic contest should be us writing something from a pre-selected topic. ( See how I brought that back on topic.)
I've read quite a few fan fics, critiquing them and helping the writers along. I hope to become an author, so I know how writers feel when they aren't getting useful advice. I try to read every fan fic I can find and, if they're recent, help along the writer. And thanks for the complement.
I agree with the pre-selected topic idea. I'd like to try that out. I reckon it should just be limited to 3 or so chapters, just so that it's not too big. (See how I added onto your bringing it back on topic)
If at first you don't succeed, resort to thermalnuclear warheads.