TrUe SkiilL TM:Hey guys. I have decided to write some FF of my own because I love everything about Halo. I've read all the books and have played all the mission all the way through. Let me know what you think, a lot of research went into this!
I'd be glad to read it.
TrUe SkiilL TM:Feburary 4th. 2931.
Well, we've off to a bad start, already. I won't pass judgment yet, as this might be purposely set in the future, but...
TrUe SkiilL TM:The Arbiter's presence signified the Covenant's conquest of Harvest. While Shirley did not care much for this planet, something in the sparkle of its moons gave it a heavenly glow. The Arbiter called for his servant and the Brute Chieftain came submissively to his side. 'Brute Chieftain, bring me the woman.'
Alright, so, where to begin? Well, first of all, the Covenant conquered Harvest in 2525. The UNSC retook sometime around 2529, as I recall. Now then, Ripa 'Moramee, also known as Shirley, the Arbiter from Halo Wars, died in 2531, exactly four hundred years prior to this story taking place, unless the nine was a typo. Next, I really don't think Harvest would have a heavinly glow...it was glassed, after all. As you can see in the background of this very website, it was a smoldering ball in some areas and experiencing nuclear winter in others. It should also be noted that Harvest doesn't have a moon. I would then like to note that the Brutes are not present on Harvest in 2531, and also that the Brutes are not servants of the Elites. This is especially true for Brute Chieftains. Further, if this is truly set in 2931, then most of the Brutes are probably dead, considering that the Elites and Humans defeated the Covenant in 2553. Of course, I should also point out that in 2931, unless you introduced a new conflict, the Elites and Humans are at peace. Now then, let's move on.
TrUe SkiilL TM:The Chieftain bowed his head and left. The Arbiter continued to stare at the landscape from the castle that had once belonged to Captain Cutter. Where once stood the Mega Turret that had for five hundred and five years prevented Covenant forces from Pelicaning in reinforcements, lay the remains of the defeated human soliders. With his telescope, the Arbiter viewed the carnage clearly. The Master Chief, helmet shattered by a Plasma Grenade, stared blindly at the skies with flesh dissolved and bleach-white bones shining in the light of Harvest's seven moons.
Now, you said you have read the books, right? Did you purposely ignore them and the games completely? Well, let's do this piece by piece. As I already stated, Brute Chieftains are not the servants of Elites. Next, Captain James Cutter didn't live in a castle, and I'm pretty sure he didn't live on Harvest, either, so even if he did live in a castle, it wasn't on Harvest. Next, I suppose I should point out that the Covenant don't use Pelicans, nor would they in the future, as the Phantom and the Spirit are both technologically superior to the Pelican. I'd also like to point out that telescopes aren't very useful for viewing a battlefield, and that the Elites use monoculars, which I suppose are similar in some senses, though much smaller. Next...well, Master Chief Petty Officer John SPARTAN-117, commonly referred to simply as the Master Chief, was not present at Harvest, and went MIA in 2553. Also, again, Harvest does not have any moons. Moving on.
TrUe SkiilL TM:Anders moaned in protest as Brute Chieftain brought her in. She was knelt and her hands and legs were shackled with the shackles that the Covenant had designed to imprison the Prophet of Sadness in 2021. The Brute Chieftain left them alone with an awkward cough as he saw the lusting expression that the Arbiter gave Anders.
That last line gives me a bad feeling. The grammar in the second sentence isn't very well constructed, as "was knelt" doesn't really make much sense. Also, the reference to the Prophet of Sadness is really lost on the audience, since it isn't an actual reference to canon, more like a passing reference to something you made up to make it sound more like canon. Moving on.
TrUe SkiilL TM:'So, Professor,' the Arbiter began. 'Brute Chieftain tells me you refuse to eat. May I ask why?'
Brute Chieftain is a rank, not a name. Moving on.
TrUe SkiilL TM:The Arbiter clicked his fingers and thus ended the spell that had kept Anders' mouth from opening.
Wait...a spell? The Elites aren't magical, you realize. Furthermore, if there was a spell keeping her mouth closed, how could she have eaten?
TrUe SkiilL TM:'Call me crazy, but I don't enjoy the taste of Grunts.' Anders looked the Arbiter from head to hoof and her hard expression softened. Where once she had only noticed his shining scales, she saw muscular definition that betrayed the physical hardships of his life.
The Elites don't actually eat Grunts. I'm pretty sure they have their own wildlife that they eat. I'm frankly still trying to figure out how Anders is still alive after four centuries.
TrUe SkiilL TM:The Arbiter saw this change in attitude and raised his chin in pride. Slowly, so not to arouse suspicion, he tensed his chest and inhaled. Anders' eyes widened and before she could stop it, she grinned.
Sigh.
TrUe SkiilL TM:The Arbiter placed her hand in his and raised her to her feet. She looked into his eyes for a moment before she stepped back. 'Keep away from me, you monster! You killed Sergeant Forge, my father.' And although her scowl showed hatred, something in her tone contradicted her. The Arbiter stepped forward and grabbed her waist.
Father?! My God, if the Arbiter says "I am your father," I think I will die. Besides, he didn't kill Forge. It was actually the other way around. Forge then sacrificed himself in order to save the others. But really, I don't like where this was going.
TrUe SkiilL TM:Atop the shoulders of the Brute Chieftain, a Grunt named Gallomk peered eagerly through a small window into the room. Being picked by the Arbiter's manservant was indeed a huge honour, Gallomk thought. Perhaps the Brute Chieftain will reward him with a promotion!
I'd just like to point out that your verb tenses here don't agree. It starts in past tense, then shifts suddenly into present/future tense.
TrUe SkiilL TM:The Brute struggled to keep his balance as Gallomk wriggled for a better view. 'What do you see, you snivelling rodent?''She's kissing him!' Gallomk squeaked. 'And - oh boy - oh, wow!'
'What? What's he doing?'
'He's -!'
'What? Now what's happening.'
'Oh no...'
'Speak to me, you scrap of Vortex!'
'I feel sick!' The Grunt swayed and screamed as he fell to the ground.
That Grunt isn't alone. I was afraid this would turn into an extension of Rule 34, but I had dared to hope.
TrUe SkiilL TM:The Brute kicked him in the face and, panting with frustration, asked, 'You idiot!' Kick. 'Well, what did you see?' Kick. 'You said he was hitting her?' Kick. 'What did he do next?'
Technically, the Grunt described what she was doing to him, not vice versa.
TrUe SkiilL TM:The grunt whimpered and began to cry. The Brute eventually stopped thrashing Gollomk and waited for him to regain his composure. 'What was the Arbiter doing?!'
The question triggered the Grunt's memory and he vomitted violently on himself. 'He wasn't hitting the demon girl, he kissed her. Oh God.' The grunt swayed. 'And then-'
The Brute recoiled. It was as he had expected! The thought of the Arbiter's scaly body even in the same room as that delicate butterfly made the Brute Chieftain feel sick. Without saying a word he picked up his Hammer, put his Vortexing glove on and charged into the room with a murderous roar.
Vortexing glove? Really?
0/10, overall. I'm afraid that you actually didn't do any research, and I doubt you've read any of the books. Heck, you must have skipped half of the cut scenes in Halo Wars just to come up with this! Your grammar needs a bit of work, but really, there was no real plot, not continuity, no substance at all. If you are going to write "Halo" fan fiction, I suggest you actually read the books and whatnot, and, for the love of God, avoid cross-species romance at all costs. That sex scene at the end of Contact Harvest was bad enough.
I like pi.