nice

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"I smoke a fat pound of grass, and fall on my ass faster than a fat *** who sat down to fast"

If you don't like R!zZle BiZzl£ then you can shnizzle my nizzle

R!zZle BiZzl£:

nice

You like it?

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Lazyfrog.us - For all things Halo Wars

December the 15'th, go here! ^^

JumpingJet: Administrator, Co-Founder

Its getting better but im still confused as to what exactly is going on.

I would like to see more of a plot be shown.

The dialouge (sp?) is pretty good tho. 

 

{{edit}} check your pm

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add me on live! Danish77

Thanks joker!

Daniel:

Its getting better but im still confused as to what exactly is going on.

I would like to see more of a plot be shown.

The dialouge (sp?) is pretty good tho. 

 

{{edit}} check your pm

I'll give you a breif outline about the two main charictors.

Ren was one of the lone surviving members of the crew of The Odyle and had only been in service for 2 months, this was his and earth first taste of external life, born in England ren was brought up in luxury. Living in a large house with servants at his feet, he was being spoiled. His parents decided it was time to learn what the hard life was like so his parents enlisted him for the UNSC. Ren’s parents did not feel worried about their son because there had been no war for over 400 years, But ren and his family were not expecting this covie invasion 2 months into service.

 

Rilly was one of the two surviving members of the group called Recon 2, these guys are verry famous and are the eyes and ears of the UNSC.

 

 

 

Now this is about the plot.

 

It is 2525 and Recon 2 descovered a mass army of external life on earth and they found out they were comming from a UFO, they informed the UNSC leaders and the UNSC wanted to take out this External life without it going public. Recon 2 was given the privalage of being abord the Odyle that was to take out the UFO. Ren was aboard the Odyle, this was one of the ships that were to attack the UFO. But the Odyle was under attack and was about to blow up, the captain of the Odyle summoned recon 2 and told them to take ren  and go inform the primeminster of the attack and make it public. When the captain summoned Recon 2 he learned that there were only 2 members left of recon 2 and that the all got wasted. Recon 2 and Ren were ordered to get to the escape pods and inform the primeminister.

 

And from there is where all then chapters begin. ( Rilly mysterialy waked up in a field )

 

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Lazyfrog.us - For all things Halo Wars

December the 15'th, go here! ^^

JumpingJet: Administrator, Co-Founder

it i was to rate this professionally so far i would giv it a 7/10

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im the halo freak.lol.

Blandy:

it i was to rate this professionally so far i would giv it a 7/10

Hey guys i remembered my old password for my old account so i will be posting using my old one now.

There will be a new Chapter uo in 5 hours.

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Lazyfrog.us - For all things Halo Wars

December the 15'th, go here! ^^

JumpingJet: Administrator, Co-Founder

i likez it, keppie uppie the good work

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"I smoke a fat pound of grass, and fall on my ass faster than a fat *** who sat down to fast"

If you don't like R!zZle BiZzl£ then you can shnizzle my nizzle

There is a new chapter up in 2 hours

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Lazyfrog.us - For all things Halo Wars

December the 15'th, go here! ^^

JumpingJet: Administrator, Co-Founder

 

 This is a rather good story so far. I'll keep my eye on this.

There were a few errors that I saw. I'll point them out by chapter.

Before I point out each error, I just want to talk to you about commas and full stops. Throughout the story you make sentences go on and on because of commas. Go through each of the long sentences that contain commas, and if you can, break them up into smaller sentences with full stops. This makes it much easier to read.

Chapter 1

1. entered Rilly nose...  Rilly should be Rilly's.

2. In the second paragraph, you had capitals for the words coming after commas. You should remove those.

3. Also in the second paragraph, you switched to present tense when you said "where are they now". Stick with past tense.

4. Picking off enemy's...  enemy's should be enemies.

5. but the were taller...  Drop the but. Also, the should be they.

Chapter 2

1. the wind is his face...  is should probably be in.

2. stood on there hooves...  stood would be better off as standing. Also, there should be their.

3. maybe the just toying...  Drop the.

4. creatures drew there weapons...  there should be their.

5. could see there fingers...  there should be their.

6. "the sergeants warthog" Whispered Rilly to himself...  This bit of speech should be on a new line and read, "The sergeant's Warthog," whispered Rilly to himself.

7. un-conscious  Drop the hyphen and make it one word.

Chapter 3

1. "Go on kill me then" announced Rilly.  You left out punctuation at the end of the bit of speech. Because you ended it with a variant of 'he said', end the speech with a comma: " Go on, kill me then," announced Rilly.

2. Rilly closed he eyes...  he should be his.

Chapter 4

1. on where its inhabitants have been...  It should read: in which its inhabitants had been...

2. food had past his lips...  past should be passed.

3. decided to brake in.  brake should be break.

4. plan the will...  the should be that.

5. Everyone laughs.  Keep this in past tense. laughs should be laughed.

Chapter 5

1. Don't forget to include punctuation at the end of a bit of speech. You left it out quite a few times in this chapter.

Good work so far, keep it up.

 

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Officialy offline as of April 4 Australian time.

I'll go back and change it

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Lazyfrog.us - For all things Halo Wars

December the 15'th, go here! ^^

JumpingJet: Administrator, Co-Founder

How come you had me put Rilly's name up there on your sig if he died in the beginning?

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Whats The Cure?

I dont know? Do you know? errrm, ermmmmm,

*tries to change topic**

I aint giving away the story line

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Lazyfrog.us - For all things Halo Wars

December the 15'th, go here! ^^

JumpingJet: Administrator, Co-Founder

Hey guys the next chapter is about 2 hours away from being published.

So i will give you a sneak peack/riddle about what the next chapter is about...................

 

"Where's Rilly? There he is!"

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Lazyfrog.us - For all things Halo Wars

December the 15'th, go here! ^^

JumpingJet: Administrator, Co-Founder

next chapter up in about 45 mins.

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Lazyfrog.us - For all things Halo Wars

December the 15'th, go here! ^^

JumpingJet: Administrator, Co-Founder