I feel it's only fair to be honest; I'm having a hard time getting into this. A full review would take a very long time for me, but a few things that push me away are:
- I feel the story moves too fast, with not enough character development.
- Lines seem cliche and day-time drama.
- Emotions are dry
If you would like, I could try to Beta this for you. I'm not saying give up, I'm saying keep trying. It is hard to write without creating a Mary Sue or Johnny Perfect - though Twilight seemed to pull it off well.
And you know this, HOW, Mr. R41?...
(PS I know this is an old post...couldn't resist)
"I have no words that would do justice to the atrocities you commit to the English language, as well as your continued assaults on the concepts of basic literacy and logical reasoning."