It's definitely an improvement over the first couple of "chapters" but...

It still feels unpolished and stilted. Your choice of diction is a little tiresome and sometimes awkward. I'm not saying that you should thesaurus every second word but you do need to make sure that you are following proper sentence structure rules when writing your lines that are not parts of a conversation.

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COMMON SENSE:
So rare it's a go'damn super power
Oooh, my Common Sense is tingling

DäRKSTäRxMëRC

You got me good, munn.

If you use more full stops and puntuation, you will be able to imply a better sense of fear, as your characters will stop, start, stop, start etc. It will also vary, some of your writing.

But other wise keep up the good work :p

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Mae'n gas gyda fi plant dwrg yn enwedig pan fyddant yn ar fy nhim -_-

New chapter guys chapter nine I am tryingto progress the plot somewhat!

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You can't play halo wars until you see this video
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars
I've been perma-banned at bungie.net :(

I dunno bro. I have more or less of the same criticisms as before. As for him working out with spartans when he's fresh out of bootcamp... I have trouble digesting that.

---

COMMON SENSE:
So rare it's a go'damn super power
Oooh, my Common Sense is tingling

DäRKSTäRxMëRC

You got me good, munn.

Well it was just coincidence :) I never said he lifted as much as them!

---

You can't play halo wars until you see this video
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars
I've been perma-banned at bungie.net :(

sp4rt4n:Well it was just coincidence :) I never said he lifted as much as them!

lol

 

Sounds like a fantastic coincidence. 

---

COMMON SENSE:
So rare it's a go'damn super power
Oooh, my Common Sense is tingling

DäRKSTäRxMëRC

You got me good, munn.

Wouldn't you want to run into them aspecially if you saw Kelly naked don't lie!!! ;)

---

You can't play halo wars until you see this video
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars
I've been perma-banned at bungie.net :(

sp4rt4n:Wouldn't you want to run into them aspecially if you saw Kelly naked don't lie!!! ;)

I'm not really into buff chicks... naked or not.

 

Far be it from me to try and make this into something other than what you want it to be, but when it comes to Halo and space operas in general, I prefer them to be grounded in a more realism-oriented world, and that fantastic coincidence just detracts from my sense of realism while reading your FF.

---

COMMON SENSE:
So rare it's a go'damn super power
Oooh, my Common Sense is tingling

DäRKSTäRxMëRC

You got me good, munn.

Sorry I will work on that and your probably right about Kelly she would kill ya don't worry if you read my other FF My story gets better with battles if you want ill give you the title SURVIVORS AT REACH read pass the first three chapters their horrable!

 

---

You can't play halo wars until you see this video
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars
I've been perma-banned at bungie.net :(

sp4rt4n:

Sorry I will work on that and your probably right about Kelly she would kill ya don't worry if you read my other FF My story gets better with battles if you want ill give you the title SURVIVORS AT REACH read pass the first three chapters their horrable!

 

Maybe. I make no promises. 

---

COMMON SENSE:
So rare it's a go'damn super power
Oooh, my Common Sense is tingling

DäRKSTäRxMëRC

You got me good, munn.

That is fine by me

---

You can't play halo wars until you see this video
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars
I've been perma-banned at bungie.net :(

Chapter 10 is up

---

You can't play halo wars until you see this video
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars
I've been perma-banned at bungie.net :(

One of the better FF's on this site, in my opinion. I really like where this is going.

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www.averagejoesgames.com
^^^The Halo Wars forums may fall, but let's hope the AJ's never do!

Legit TS 0 in 1v1

Spartan R41:

I feel it's only fair to be honest; I'm having a hard time getting into this. A full review would take a very long time for me, but a few things that push me away are:

• I feel the story moves too fast, with not enough character development.
• Lines seem cliche and day-time drama.
• Emotions are dry

If you would like, I could try to Beta this for you. I'm not saying give up, I'm saying keep trying. It is hard to write without creating a Mary Sue or Johnny Perfect - though Twilight seemed to pull it off well.

And you know this, HOW, Mr. R41?...

=)

-

(PS I know this is an old post...couldn't resist)

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"I have no words that would do justice to the atrocities you commit to the English language, as well as your continued assaults on the concepts of basic literacy and logical reasoning."